Friday, July 6, 2012

Last Place

So I've been going to a class at the gym for two plus years called Cardio Sculpt; it's a mix of cardio and weight training. It's a fantastic class and made up of some amazing people. I've made some great friends in this class and built in accountability as well :). This class has kicked my ass three days a week - EVERY single time. It never gets easier. It's intense and somehow fun (crazy, I know!). I have seen a lot of personal growth in my strength and endurance since I started the class. My form is better, I'm lifting heavier weights, pushing through the uncomfortable stage more and more. But the one thing that has always been tough for me is that I'm always last! And when I says always, that's not an exaggeration. We go out on the indoor track and run a set number of laps, and I'm always the last person to finish running. And some days it doesn't bother me to be last, but some days it really upsets me. And I have this internal conversation about being too weak, too fat, too out of shape, etc; that I'm just always going to be last - the weak link. So because I have this internal conversation, I don't push myself. I'm going to be last anyway, so why push harder?! Well, today I got angry. I got sick of being last. I'm the youngest person in the class by at least a decade (some people in the class are in their 60's), I shouldn't be last! And I decided I was going to push myself as hard as I could out on that track. The first time we went out of the track and ran, I pushed myself and I was still the last one done. Normally that would have been a "see, I told you" moment and I would have resigned and quit trying. But I decided to give it one more try. And we went out on the track again and I ran as hard as I could, chanting "Left. Right. Left. Right....." in my head, just putting one foot in front of the other. And do you know what happened??? I wasn't last!!!! Woo hoo! I was right in the middle of the pack! And in that moment, I had a little victory dance in my heart. I pushed myself and I did it.

It's amazing what limits we choose to put on ourselves. And I know for me personally, I am my own worst enemy. And the internal conversations I have with myself are often limiting and negative. But this morning I proved to myself that if I believe I can do something and I want it bad enough and I push myself through the discomfort, I can do it! And this applies to things outside of the gym too. This translates into my job, my friendships, my dating life, my relationship with God and my relationship with myself. If I think I'm going to be last, then I'm going to be last. And when I choose to see myself as strong and capable of more, guess what? I am!

I am what I am, no matter what I believe!