tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-75872790575633886272024-02-19T02:00:47.541-05:00Beauty From AshesA journey to self-discovery: learning to fall in love with myselfStaciehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13735955677353841901noreply@blogger.comBlogger46125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7587279057563388627.post-89590823684906754822015-04-14T16:23:00.000-04:002015-04-14T16:23:48.588-04:00A Five Mile HikeMy family went on vacation together for the first time in twenty years. We ventured to the gorgeous Smokey Mountains. There's just something about the mountains. They're so beautiful, breathtaking actually. It was so lovely to sit on the deck in a rocking chair and sip on a cup of coffee as I soaked in the view of the mountains each morning. On the last day of our trip, we decided to take an up close and personal look at the mountains. So we ventured out to Cades Cove. And wow! So beautiful. We saw black bears, deer, old cabins and churches. And the view was spectacular from every direction. My brother really wanted to see a water fall, so we decided to do the hike to Abrams Falls. It was a five mile hike through the mountains. The sign said that it was "moderately difficult" and would take three to four hours to complete. For some stupid reason, we didn't really believe the sign that was posted in the National Park...that was not my finest hour.<br />
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The hike was difficult. Really difficult. I wanted to quit so many times, but I didn't want to be a quitter. I felt like I had something to prove. So I powered through.....I haven't been active really since I had my surgery. I was scared that I wouldn't be able to work out or run or be active anymore. That I had lost the piece of myself to cancer. As we got into the hike, it got more and more difficult. The hills got steeper, the trail got rockier, the sun got hotter. I kept thinking, "How am I going to get back? I'm never going to be able to do this. This is too hard. What was I thinking? I'm so out of shape." Well, after three hours and fifteen minutes, I did it! I completed the hike. I was sweaty and thirsty and sun burned and exhausted and sore, but I did it!!!<br />
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On our way back from the water fall, we decided to go at our own pace. So I was hiking the trail on my own. I was left with my own thoughts to enjoy the view and process things as I hiked along. I came to a point in the trail that was the most difficult. This hill seemed to never end and was nothing but rocks and roots to climb over and maneuver around. Once I reached the top of this hill, I would be halfway back to the car. As I was struggling up this hill and doing my best not to twist my ankle on the rocks, I started crying. Part of those tears were because of exhaustion, but most of those tears were because of a realization.....<br />
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I realized that this trail I had been hiking on for hours was a lot like my life this past year. I started off this past year blindly naive and ignored all the warning signs. And as I navigated through life, it got tough. There have been so many peaks and valleys this past year. And when you're in a valley and look up and see how difficult it is to climb out, you think you're just going to be stuck there. That there is no way out of the valley. And the road is difficult. The path is anything but smooth. It's filled with rocks and roots that cause you to slip, to stub your toe, to lose your footing. Sometimes the path is so difficult that all you want to do is cry, throw your hands up, and quit. And as I was hiking up this hill, crying every step of the way, thinking I was never going to make it, I suddenly realized something. I was at the top! I made it. It was so very hard, and I was out of breath and needed to take a break, but I made it. And as I continued my trek back to the car, I realized how much beauty was around me. The river, the rocks, the flowers, the trees, the butterflies. There was so much beauty along this trail if I just took the time to look around. And yes, the last year of my life has been the most difficult year to date. I have endured so much pain and heartache. But it has been filled with so much beauty too. Beauty I would not have been blessed with if I hadn't endured the pain. And as I came around the last turn and saw the bridge that ended the trail, I breathed a huge sigh of relief. The end was in sight. The path became smooth. I made it. I finished. I survived. I did it.<br />
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And just as I completed that hike - filled with peaks and valleys and rocks and roots - I know I will complete this rocky path that has been laid before me in life. And I am in a very deep and lonely valley right now, and it doesn't seem like there is a way out. I want to quit. I want to just throw up my hands and cry "Uncle!" But.....I know what I am made of. I know that I am strong and courageous and brave and lovely. And I know that I can do the hard work to climb out of this valley and find a smooth path again. I just have to trust myself and trust the process and look for the beauty around me.<br />
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<br />Staciehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13735955677353841901noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7587279057563388627.post-66328941652483747852015-02-24T10:25:00.000-05:002015-02-24T10:25:41.107-05:00The Silent DiseaseI have attempted to write a post about my life since January 13, 2015. But every time I start to type, my mind either goes blank or emotions flood my mind and heart and I can't write. My beautiful sister, Mo sent me this blog post written by Jessie O'Donnell and her experience is a bit different than mine, because cancer is like snowflakes - no experiences are the same....so until I'm able to articulate my own experience, I'll leave you with Jessie's words....<br />
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<i>Do you know who Hakaru Hashimoto is? Of course you don’t. Do you know all the functions of your thyroid? More than likely not. Have you ever even thought of your thyroid health? Probably never.</i></div>
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<i>Two years ago at 29 years old, during a routine visit to the gynecologist, my life changed forever. My doctor decided to feel my thyroid and thought she felt a nodule. She passed it off as something that was ‘no biggie’ but suggested that I find an endocrinologist to have it checked. What the hell is a thyroid nodule?They are growths that appear within the thyroid gland. Why? Well, no one really seems to have the answers. They just do.</i></div>
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<i>That one little ‘no biggie’ turned my life around and upside down in a short amount of time.</i></div>
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<i>My endocrinologist ordered an ultrasound and blood work to see what was going on. We discovered that I had three nodules on the right thyroid lobe and an autoimmune disorder called Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis where the immune system attacks the thyroid causing the thyroid to become inflamed, essentially forming a goiter. Ugh…a goiter. I’m going to be honest. The word goiter freaks me out. I remember being a child and seeing women with very large goiters and not understanding why their necks looked like that and feeling scared because no one explained to me what it actually was. Now here I was, sitting on a doctor’s table being told that is exactly what I have going on. GREAT. SUPER. What now?</i></div>
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<i>Well, Ms O’Donnell, your blood work is normal and all within normal range. And the more nodules the better. If there is only one singled out nodule that usually means cancer.</i></div>
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<em>Okay…bring on the nodules then.</em></div>
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<i>Every 6 months I would receive an ultrasound and have my blood work done. The nodules were slowly growing with every ultrasound but my blood work was normal and my doctors didn’t seem to be alarmed so I tried to not be as well. I started to suffer from mood swings, sleeplessness, depression and started to have major problems with my cycle. My next appointment I decided to inquire about it. That is when my doctor seemed to become alarmed. After many tests and questions, I was then diagnosed with PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome). She also thought that I may be insulin intolerant adding to the causes of PCOS. Those tests were also positive. I was put on Metformin, a Type 2 diabetic drug to help suppress glucose that I need to be on for the rest of time especially if I would like to have children. After being on Metformin every day, twice a day, things in that department seemed to be figured out.</i></div>
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<i>But what about the discomfort in the right side of my neck? Why was I waking up some mornings with a voice of a woman who smoked for the past 20 years? Come to find out, my goiter was pressing on my vocal nerve. I would have one sided conversations with my thyroid…why are you doing this to me? What caused you to turn into this? Please stop hurting me. Why does it seem that I am the only one at my age suffering from this?</i></div>
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<i>I went in for my ultrasound May 2013. The technicians seemed to be alarmed and tried acting like they were not until I demanded what their wide-eyed expression was for. They showed me the comparison of my ultrasound 6 months prior to the present moment. I didn’t even know what I was looking at but my jaw dropped. Something was very wrong and not one person in the room could tell me what the problem was and I had to wait a week to find out…ugh.</i></div>
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<i>The ultrasound showed that the nodules grew much faster than they had in the months before but it also showed that the Hashimoto’s was getting pretty severe. But my blood levels were still in normal range. If they were in normal range then why did I feel like ‘hulking out’ on people for no reason or why did I want to crawl into a corner for weeks in the dark? During all of this medical confusion, I was dealing with serious stuff in other areas of my personal life. My boyfriend of two years who lived with me dumped me leaving me with rent I couldn’t afford on my own, my father receiving emergency open heart surgery, my Auntie passing away suddenly, I had to move for the what seemed like the 100th time and while doing so scrape up whatever positive energy I had left to celebrate 100 milestones of the people close to me whether being engagements, babies or weddings. The only thing that helped me not crack and being put into a crazy house was yoga. Not just any yoga; hot fusion yoga. The only time that I didn’t have to think about anything in life for a glorious sweaty hot 75 minutes but me and my well being which I realized needed to be my number one priority. My yoga practice flowed into my daily life helping me deal with negative thoughts and negative events.</i></div>
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<i>A biopsy was ordered to have my nodules tested which came back as benign. A voice in my head kept saying that something was wrong. I was traveling up to Boston in June and got an appointment with the best thyroid surgeon, Dr Randall Gaz at Massachusetts General Hospital. After examining all my reports and a physical, he suggested on calling him when I could not handle the pain anymore. Because the biopsy report came back as benign, my situation was not considered an emergency. I went back to south Florida with the voice constantly repeating itself in my head. It was no joke. I would be having conversations with people and this voice kept interrupting my thoughts. I couldn’t take it anymore and the pain I was dealing with every single day. I called Dr Gaz and scheduled surgery for December 2013.</i></div>
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<i>The plan was the removal of my right thyroid lobe since that was the only problem area. He was very confident that the left lobe would take over the full function of the thyroid. I get to keep part of my thyroid?! Yippee!</i></div>
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<i>December 9th, 2013 at 5:30 am, I walked through the doors at Mass Eye and Ear Infirmary. I was prepped for surgery and waited with my parents by my side. We said our goodbyes and was told I would see them in about 2.5 hours.</i></div>
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<i>I woke up in recovery very confused. The clock that I could barely see said 5pm. I became even more confused, especially when I started to heave and vomit up stomach bile. My body did not handle coming out of anesthesia well. To vomit right after having your neck cut open is a pain I can’t describe to anyone. My surgery took 9.5 hours. The thyroiditis got so bad that it was sticking to everything and would not let go of my vocal nerves. Dr. Gaz was determined to save my voice and he did.</i></div>
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<i>The next morning Dr Gaz came to take my stitches out to then put butterfly bandages on my incision so the scar would be minimal. With a calm and concerning voice he said to me “I had to take out the thyroid and give you a full thyroidectomy.” My eyebrows came together and bunched up since I couldn’t really speak. “You had cancer and it was pretty bad. I had the pathologist test the right lobe before we closed you up and when that tested positive, I decided to take out the left lobe as a precaution. We won’t know the results with that until a week from now. So that means you developed a large amount of cancer within 5-6 months. I want you to see Dr Ross downstairs for treatment to get rid of any cancer cells that are left that we cannot see. Ok?” I shook my head as if I understood.</i></div>
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<i>What the f*ck was happening to me? The pathology report on the left lobe came back positive. I had cancer all over my entire thyroid. I knew something was very wrong and thank god I listened to that annoying voice inside my head. Now what? I’ll tell you what….the most agonizing weeks were in front of me. With everything I read about thyroid surgery, I thought this recovery would be a piece of cake. Far from…so far from. I battled with debilitating migraines to the point I honestly didn’t care if I died. If I had to cough or sneeze, it felt like my neck was being torn open and exploding. Sleepless nights and days for that matter. Emotional states that were so to the extreme my stomach turns just thinking about it. The fatigue I dealt with was like nothing I have experienced in my life. It wasn’t about not sleeping, it was about my body almost feeling like it was shutting down. But life had to go on. I had to be back to the grind in 4 weeks. I looked through my closet and found a smile somewhere back there and slapped it on. I had my auto-answers to the same questions ready; How are you? Getting there. How does your neck feel? Better. Are you getting rest? Trying to. And all those answers were said with the smile I found in my wardrobe.</i></div>
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<i>It is all silent pain. Silent suffering that no one understands except for the other people who may be suffering similar problems. I wish I found the Facebook pages that support the millions of people suffering from thyroid problems and diseases. It would of helped me in so many ways leading up to my surgery. All the reading I have done shows that every single patient’s problem is unique and needs to be treated that way…not by a ‘one size fits all’ type of prescription.</i></div>
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<i>I don’t feel like myself because I am not myself. So many things feel like they are missing besides the obvious. If there is someone in your life who may be suffering from thyroid problems or other silent diseases please support them. You may not understand it (hell, I don’t even understand the things I feel at times) but they need you. They need you to just listen and be aware of what they are going through. And most importantly, DO NOT take there severe mood swings personally. If they snap or seem to take a step back from all their relationships, let them. Show up at their door unannounced with a smile and hug. Hugs are really important and sometimes that is all the person needs. Don’t point out their scars, they know they’re there. I don’t care how curious you are about it. That one question may bring a person back to a difficult time they are trying to move on from.</i></div>
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<i>This month I have to get a heavy duty radioactive iodine treatment back in Boston. I’m hoping after I am done glowing in the dark I can become myself 100% again.</i></div>
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<i>I will be on prescription for the rest of my life to do the job of my missing thyroid gland. It has been 9 weeks since my surgery and I’m still trying to figure out when my body will balance out or if it really ever will.</i></div>
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<i>I have no thyroid because of cancer.</i></div>
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<i>I had no clue how important that butterfly shaped gland was until I lost it.</i></div>
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<i>And I didn’t even get to say goodbye.</i></div>
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<i>If your body is making changes that no one seems to be able to figure out, get your thyroid checked.</i></div>
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<i>With everything that happened to me in the past two years, I had no choice during that time but to roll with the punches. One after the other and getting back up. We have all heard the famous phrase “Good things come to those who wait.” How about those who also deserve it and shouldn’t have to wait anymore?</i></div>
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<i>I was blessed with someone who has been nothing but loving, caring, compassionate and understanding for who I am and what I am currently going through. He may just be one of the most beautiful human beings I am so fortunate enough to have entered my life at the perfect time.</i></div>
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Staciehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13735955677353841901noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7587279057563388627.post-81696622538139621352015-01-20T13:13:00.002-05:002015-01-20T13:13:43.757-05:00C is for Cancer<div style="margin-bottom: 6px;">
It's amazing how your life and the way you hold things can change in the matter of moments. Things that once concerned you, don't really matter anymore. And you suddenly find yourself noticing all the things that you seemed to overlook until that one moment. Well, I had once such moment a week ago today.</div>
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I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer last Tuesday morning. I have a cancerous tumor the size of my pinkie nail on the left side of my thyroid.</div>
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I will be having surgery at Borgess Hospital on Wednesday, January 28th at 8:00am to have the cancer and my thyroid removed. I have to be off of work for a week to ten days in order to heal and recover. And some time after my recovery from surgery, I will have to have a form o<span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;">f radiation treatment called radioactive iodine. And I will now be taking medication every day for the rest of my life to compensate for not having a thyroid.</span></div>
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The surgeon and all the things I have read say that if you're going to have a type of cancer, this is the kind that you want. It's treatable and it doesn't spread. So that's good. And my diagnosis has made a lot of things I've been experiencing this past year make sense. Thyroid problems can result in depression, tiredness, miscarriage, weight gain. All things that have been a part of my struggle this past year. Things that have rocked my world in huge ways. So I'm glad to now have a bit of perspective and know that I'm not crazy or weak or too emotional. I didn't cause my miscarriage. My body was just trying to tell me something was wrong.</div>
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I’m not sharing to get sympathy or pity – I may hurt you if you extend either of those toward me :) lol – just kidding (mostly). But I’m a big believer that we live in community, and we all need each other to survive and live well and be happy and whole people. We are to rejoice with each other when things are good. And we are to support/encourage each other when things are bad. We are not meant to venture through life alone. We need each other.....<br />
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It's not easy for me to admit that I need people. I'm the woman who pulls herself up by her bootstraps. I'm tough. I can do it by myself. I put my head down and power through. It's scary to admit that you need people, because what if they don't show up? What if they let me down? What if they decide they don't love me anymore? What if I'm too much for them? What if they think I'm weak?......But what I've been learning this past week is that I am blessed. I am so very loved by amazingly wonderful people. People have been angry with me. People have cried with me. Encouraged me. Shown me love through my love language (notes and cards). My friends are beautiful people with precious hearts who know how to love well. And I am so very blessed to receive their love and support.</div>
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As I have been calling and telling people the past several days they have been asking what they can do to help…..the short simple answer is nothing. And I know no one is satisfied with that answer, so here’s how you can help :)……</div>
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* Pray, however you pray or to whomever, doesn't matter to me….please pray! Pray for the surgery to go smoothly and without complication, for quick healing, for me to have peace, etc.</div>
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* As you all know, I love words. So words of affirmation, support, strength are always welcome. I love music, quotes, words with powerful meaning, etc.</div>
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*I need all the joy and laughter in my life I can get right now! So please feel free to make me laugh whenever you get the chance.</div>
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This feels like the darkest time in my life. And it's not easy. I'm still processing all of this. But with the darkest hour comes the dawn....so light is coming. I may not be able to see it right now, but it is coming.</div>
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Staciehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13735955677353841901noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7587279057563388627.post-71548398546634885402015-01-07T16:55:00.001-05:002015-01-07T17:15:08.176-05:00Reflections on Peaks And Valleys<i>I love the way she survived. Survival looked good on her. There were no dark marks under her eyes. Maybe deep inside, but I liked the way she looked through them and laughed at life. She did it gracefully. She'd walked over glass and through fire, but still smiled. And, honestly, I'm not interested in people who haven't lived and died a few times. Who haven't yet had their hearts ripped out, or known what it feels like to lose everything. I trust those people, because they stand for something.</i><br />
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2014 was a year. Wow! There were some amazing peaks and some dark valleys. It really has felt like a roller coaster. I have met some amazing people this year who have changed me and the way I see the world. I grew my faith in some huge and personal ways. I struggled. I lost. I triumphed. I grieved.<br />
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- I rang in the New Year with the love of my life, having someone to kiss at midnight for the first time.<br />
- I had a valentine to celebrate love with for the first time.<br />
- I suffered from SAD in a big way this year. Gaining weight and losing confidence in who I was.<br />
- I almost lost my job.<br />
- I almost quit my job.<br />
- I was introduced to Native American spirituality. I learned how to pray, how to connect with God, my community, and the earth in ways I never thought possible.<br />
- I trained for and ran my third half marathon.<br />
- I created many lasting memories with the man I gave my heart to.<br />
- I traveled across the county and went out west for the first time.<br />
- I participated in my first Sundance Ceremony where I was inspired, changed. I prayed more fiercely in those four days than I ever have before.<br />
- I left my love in Texas.<br />
- I was in a long distance relationship for the first time.<br />
- I found out I was pregnant.<br />
- I had a miscarriage.<br />
- I fell into a deep depression.<br />
- The love of my life broke my heart and told me he wasn't in love with me anymore.<br />
- My friends and family rallied around me, hugged me, made me laugh, drank with me, fed me, sat with me, cried with me, wrote me notes of encouragement, loved me.<br />
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I'm so thankful for the new family I gained this year. Margie, Tylene, Gloria, Ismael, Kim, Dan, Josh, and the rest of my beautiful El Paso family. Barbara and John. Frank and Michelle. Kathlene and Jeff. Mark and Erica B. Ronnie. Ken. The rest of the lodge community. Erica J. You all are the best gift this girl could ever ask for. Thank you for choosing me, for loving me, for standing for me, for praying for me. You have hanged me. And I am forever grateful. 2014 is a blessing because of you.<br />
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This year rocked me to my core. I lost the two things I have waited my whole life for - the love of my life and motherhood. I had them. For a moment....I loved him so fiercely. Maybe too fiercely. And now I have scars to remind me of what risking, vulnerability, loyalty, love, and sacrifice look like. The scars run deep. But knowing what I know now, I would do it all over again. I would still choose him. Being in love with him changed me. Forever. I shared pieces of myself with him that I'd never shared with anyone ever before. Pieces I was ashamed of. Pieces I now see as beautiful and want to share with the world. I'm forever thankful for that....And I now have a little poppy watching over me and her dad. Loving us and bringing us light in the darkness.<br />
<br />
The title of my blog is Beauty From Ashes. I thought I knew what it meant to go through the fire. I have known deep wounding, loss, betrayal, pain in my life. But nothing like this. I have been burned down to cinders and ash. And in my moments of weakness, I can't imagine how I'll ever be anything other than dust. But every once in awhile, I feel a wave of hope and peace wash over me. And I'm reminded of my giant phoenix on my thigh. Her name is Leoma, which means brave woman. And it is only from ash, cinder, and fire that something new and beautiful can be created and a new phoenix is born out of that fire to live again. And I have to have faith and believe that God will bless me. That he will use these ashes, this fire I am going through, to make something more beautiful than I could ever have hoped or imagined.<br />
<br />
So what's next? What does 2015 look like for me? Honestly? I have no idea. But here is my hope. My hope is that this year I would be made whole again. That my wounds would be healed. That my friendships would flourish. That I would find hope, faith, joy, and peace again. That my relationship with God would be unprecedented and more intimate than ever before. And I'm still holding out for that one. The man who deserves my love and who will treat me like the precious jewel I am.<br />
<br />
This biggest lesson I learned this year is what mercy really is and what it really means to extend it to someone else. What a sacrifice it is to be mercy to another person. Mercy is this....I love you, even though you hurt me. And I will never hurt you, even if you never love me back.<br />
<br />
I am not a perfect person, and boy, have I made my fair share of mistakes in all of this. But, I am so proud of me. I have stayed true to my stand to love. I haven't wavered. I have loved the way I promised to - through the good, the bad, and the ugly. I now know better what I am made of. I am strong. Brave. Beautiful. Loyal, Compassionate. Grace-filled. Love.<br />
<br />
<br />Staciehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13735955677353841901noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7587279057563388627.post-49303716987525318832014-11-30T19:58:00.003-05:002014-11-30T19:58:58.639-05:00It's Not Just A Rock<div class="MsoNormal">
Those of you who know me and love me know that I am hurting right now. I am going through the most difficult struggle of my life to date. I’m usually not one to sensor myself here, but I don’t want to go into details about this struggle, as the details aren’t relevant to what I want to say….</div>
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My whole life I have gone through struggles. I’ve never been one of the “lucky ones” who just seems to get the easy side of things. Nothing has ever come easy to me. I’ve gone through pain and heartache more times than I can count. I’ve suffered, ached, grieved, hurt, experienced deep loss, wept. For many, many years of my life I allowed this truth to harden me, to make me cynical and bitter. I lived life like a victim. And one day, about seven years ago, I decided I didn’t want to be a victim anymore. I didn’t want to be defined by my hurts. I decided it was time to take my life back. And to find lessons and strength out of all this pain and struggle. And I have learned many, many things. I have learned that I am a lot stronger than I give myself credit for. I am a survivor. I am resilient. I am worth it. And if I look hard enough through the pain, there is a lesson to be found….One of the things The Creator is teaching me in this time of brokenness that I am experiencing now is that it is out of brokenness beauty and strength are found. </div>
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One of the ways God speaks to me is that He gives me heart shaped rocks. I’ve found them exactly when I needed them for the past eight years. It’s one of the ways The Creator lets me know that I am seen and loved and that He hears me and will give me the desires of my heart if I am patient with Him. There’s a verse in the bible that states, “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.” These rocks are a reminder to me that the pain I feel means I am growing and living instead of hiding away for fear of being hurt. I’ve found these rocks in times of deep despair. I’ve found them when I worried. I’ve found them when I was questioning God and His promises to me. I’ve found them when I’ve ask God to affirm my hopes and desires. And I’ve never, ever found them when I was looking for them. I only find them when I need them. The last one I found was two months ago just after receiving devastating news – a reminder of His love and that I am not alone.</div>
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The elders in the community I sweat with gifted me a rock this month. During a work day, a group of people were loading and unloading a pile of rocks. The rock I was gifted is a rather large rock, the largest of my collection and unique for a couple other reasons as well…It seemed to be an ordinary round rock, but when it was tossed into the rock pile, it split open and broke into two pieces. And when it was split open, there was a heart shaped rock in the middle of this big rock! The rock split exactly in half, a clean break, revealing a heart in the middle of each half. Hearts that could not have been seen without the brokenness. And what makes it even more amazing, is that my prayer in lodge that day was that God would heal the brokenness in my life. And then I get this rock. This rock, which to most people just looks like a silly, dirty, broken rock. But it is not just a rock. It is a promise. A love note from The One who loves me and sees me.</div>
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To me, the message is quite clear. Brokenness is not a punishment. It’s not a bad thing. It's painful - oh so painful. But in that brokenness there is beauty and blessing and love and hope and grace and mercy!</div>
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And so, as I work through this time, I remind myself that I am strong. I am beautiful. I am a warrior. A survivor. I am seen. I am loved. God loves me so very much. He sees my pain and He hears my heart. And He is answering my prayers. Aho!</div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
Staciehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13735955677353841901noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7587279057563388627.post-55418921048686034112014-10-24T12:26:00.001-04:002014-10-24T14:59:18.960-04:00M is for MiscarriageIt's been two months. Two months of silent grieving. Two months of fighting back tears every time I see a pregnant woman or a newborn. Two months of pretending it didn't happen to me. I wrote this letter hoping it would help my heart heal from this deep loss.<br />
<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>To my unborn child:</i></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>It was August 18th that I found out you existed. It was that very day that I lost you too. I'm sorry I've been afraid to grieve you, and I've been too scared to talk about you. If I do, it will make this all real instead of the bad dream I pretend it to be.</i></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>My whole life, for as long as I can remember, I've wanted to be a mom. This deep longing has been placed in my heart by The One who created me. I know with every fiber of my being that I was made for motherhood. And as I have gotten older, that longing has only grown stronger. There were times of doubt and wondering, times where I would cry out to God and ask Him why He would give me this desire if he wasn't going to make me a mom.</i></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>And then I met your father. Oh man, did I fall in love with him quickly. I knew weeks into knowing him that he was my half-side, my life partner, my husband, the man I was to build a family with. And we talked about the idea of you. What kind of parents we wanted to be, how blessed our kids would be to have us as a mom and dad. We were looking forward to a future with you in it.</i></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>I remember the moment I found out you were growing inside of me. It was a moment of pure joy and of great fear. I was going to be a mom. I was so excited. But you see, your daddy is living 1800 miles away, and I had no idea how this was going to work. I never wanted to be a single mom. What would happen? Would I move? Would we just stay apart? You would have come into this world in April 2015. Your dad would still have three months left in Texas. What would we do? But none of these questions matter anymore.</i></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>Hours after I knew about you, I started losing you. My body betrayed me. You were taken from me and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I cried for hours in secret for the next three days, blaming myself for losing you, asking God why He would take you away from me, and wondering just how I was going to tell your dad. It took me three days to find the courage to tell him, and I just blurted it out. I didn't know what else to do. He listened to me cry 1800 miles away and did his best to comfort me while trying to wrap his mind around the truth that he was a dad - if only for a moment.</i></blockquote>
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<i>Not a day goes by that I don't think about you. I would be thirteen weeks pregnant. They say you would be the size of a lemon and be three inches long....But you will never grow past the size of a poppy seed...I will never know you. I will always wonder what you would have looked like. Would you favor me or your dad? Would you have lots of hair? What color would it be? Were you a boy or a girl? Did you have dimples? Freckles? Would you have an itty bitty booty like me and your dad? I'll never get to touch your soft skin or hold you in my arms or count your precious fingers and toes. I'll never get to hear you coo or laugh or cry. Who would you have grown to be? What would your personality be like? I sure hope you would have your dad's confidence and your mom's compassion. What would your gifts and talents be? What would you love doing? I'll never get to see you take your first step, take you to your first day of kindergarten, chaperon your middle school dances (and embarrass you), help you get ready for prom, watch you graduate high school, move you away to college, see you fall in love and get married and have a family of your own.</i></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>I'll never get to be your mom......I'll never get to be your mom.......</i></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>I would have been a great mom. I would have loved you so very much. I would have been so proud of you. I would have given you hugs and kisses every day and told you how special you were just by being you. I'm sorry I'll never know the answers to any of this. But I will always wonder.</i></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>I don't know why you only had three weeks to grow or why you never get to bless me and your daddy with your life. Only The Creator knows that. But dear little one, please know that I will<u> always, always</u> love you. I will always carry you in my heart - my little poppy seed.</i></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>I love you to the moon but further!</i></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>xoxoxo</i></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>~Your mom</i> </blockquote>
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Staciehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13735955677353841901noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7587279057563388627.post-65794789466852447462014-09-18T16:14:00.001-04:002014-09-20T12:13:08.971-04:00What Is Love?<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
It’s been
such a long time since I've written a post. I haven’t written for lots of
reasons. This year has been filled with lots of ups and downs – more ups that
downs :). I went through a pretty deep
depression. I started seeing a counselor. I ran my third half marathon. I
almost lost and quit my job twice this year. I traveled west of Chicago for the
first time in my life. I've had some of my favorite people move away from
Kalamazoo. I learned to better love myself.
I’m learning to let myself off the hook and not be so hard on myself. I
fell in love for the first time.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I came
across the article below by Mike Iamele and wished that I had been eloquent
enough to write it. The author’s words/heart/thoughts articulate my feelings on
love so very well. And as I have walked through my relationship with Dave over
these past fourteen months, I have learned I used to believe in a fairy tale. But
now I know better. I know that real love is so much better than a fairy tale
version. Real love is sticky and raw and fun and hard and imperfect and
beautiful. I am so thankful that Dave has stuck by me as I have had to unlearn my
false idea of love. He has helped me know how rich and amazing it is to truly
and authentically love someone – including loving myself that way. And it is my
heart’s desire to continue this journey of love with Dave for many, many, many,
many years to come. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<i>Growing
up, I bought into the fairy tale of love. I bought into this idea that I’d meet
this handsome man in the most serendipitous of ways, and we’d get married. I
thought that I’d buy him a fancy watch for Valentine’s Day, and we might travel
to the Caribbean a few times. And we’d have our 2.5 children. And that’d be
life.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<i>Looking back, I realize that’s not
love; that’s the movies.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
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<i>Love
is when you’re at a party talking excitedly, and you catch your partner
starring at you out the corner of your eye, with that knowing smirk on his
face. Love is when you see someone sleeping, and you think – no matter how cliché
it sounds – he really does look like an angel. Love is when you forget about
how big your nose is or how saggy your butt is because, around that person, you
always feel beautiful. Love is when you realize, for the first time, that
someone is seeing you, the real you – WHO you are, not WHAT you are. And you
finally get the difference. Love doesn't have a ton to do with Valentine’s Day.
It doesn't have to do with expensive gifts or suburban homes or even 2.5
children. It’s not about Caribbean vacations or fancy cars or even
all-dressed-up beauty. Love is a sweatpants thing. Love is a jeans thing. It’s
a you-at-your-worst thing. Because love makes you realize that there is no
worst. There is no best, either. There’s just you. There’s just a person who’s
growing and changing and evolving. And, in the eyes of someone else, that’s
beautiful. Love isn't heavy. It isn't dramatic. And it most definitely isn't something you need to gossip to all your friends about. Love is light. Love is
playful. Love is so much fun that you forget it’s work. But it’s not supposed
to be. Sure, there are struggles. Sure, there are down times. But they’re
really just growth times. They’re really just points where you’re challenging
each other to grow.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
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<i>As
a culture, we’re so in love with love that we try to make it something it’s
not. We try to fake it. We try to manipulate it. We try to distort it. Maybe if
we’re funny on the first date we’ll find love. Maybe if we wear that sexy
dress, it will come. But the truth is – all anybody wants to see is you. With
your flaws and imperfections and less-than-ideal features. Because that’s the
only way that the person who really, really loves you can find in you. They've been searching for you their whole lives. You've just been hiding behind those
cool sunglasses or fancy dress or nice watch. The best way to find love is to
give it – not to others, but to yourself. Love yourself with all your heart.
Take yourself out on dates and treat yourself the way you want to be treated.
Know for a fact that you don’t need anyone else. That you’re complete as you
are. That who you are is radiant and beautiful. But having a partner on this
journey wouldn't be so bad. It’d be kind of fun. And when you love yourself
that much, you can’t help but show the real you to the world. You can’t help
but boast how freaking awesome you are. And people get to see what they've always been looking for.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
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<i>I’m
no expert. I never went to med school. I never studied sexual psychology. All I
know is love. I know that when you catch your partner with some food on his
face, you can’t help but crack a smile, that you've found something special.
Something that says, “Hey, I’m freaking awesome, and I love myself, and I
deserve you. I’m in love with you, and you deserve me too.” Everything else is
just a fairy tale. Just someone else’s story.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
Staciehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13735955677353841901noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7587279057563388627.post-26568084466189456662013-10-31T13:16:00.000-04:002013-10-31T13:16:22.007-04:00I don't know what I don't know...<div class="tr_bq">
I love this phrase: "I don't know what I don't know until I know what I didn't know." I find it very clever and cute and so very true. There are so many aspects of my life I can apply this to. It happens almost daily at work. When you work with people, things are always popping up and changing. In regards to my weight loss, there have been so many surprises along the way - amazing things that took me off guard because I simply didn't know. And this has also been true in relationships. How often is there unintentional conflict because we are operating off assumptions or past experiences? I would say, often. And we make assumptions and project the past into our relationships because we simply don't know, until we do. It then becomes this sort of epiphany, we are in awe, pleasantly surprised, and often this light bulb goes off for us. It always makes me happy when I learn something that I didn't know that I didn't know because it makes me less ignorant, allows me to be more intentional, makes my life richer.</div>
<br />
There's a song, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oQDsKAdHFao">"Turning Page" by Sleeping at Last</a> that reminds me of this saying. Here are the lyrics:<br />
<blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>I've waited a hundred
years.<br />
But I'd wait a million more for you.<br />
Nothing prepared me for<br />
What the privilege of being yours would do.</i></span></div>
</blockquote>
<blockquote>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>If I had only felt the
warmth within your touch,<br />
If I had only seen how you smile when you blush,<br />
Or how you curl your lip when you concentrate enough,<br />
I would have known what I was living for all along.<br />
What I've been living for.</i></span></div>
</blockquote>
<blockquote>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Your love is my turning
page,<br />
Where only the sweetest words remain.<br />
Every kiss is a cursive line,<br />
Every touch is a redefining phrase.</i></span></div>
</blockquote>
<blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>I surrender who I've
been for who you are,<br />
For nothing makes me stronger than your fragile heart.<br />
If I had only felt how it feels to be yours,<br />
Well, I would have known what I've been living for all along.<br />
What I've been living for.</i></span></div>
</blockquote>
<blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Though we're tethered to
the story we must tell,<br />
When I saw you, well, I knew we'd tell it well.<br />
With a whisper, we will tame the vicious seas.<br />
Like a feather bringing kingdoms to their knees.</i></span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
</blockquote>
This song does something to me internally every time I hear it. It just rings so true to me and my life right now. (I have wanted to write about my new relationship for a long time, but haven't until now because I wanted his permission first.) I have been dating my boyfriend, Dave, for a little over three months now. Most of you know that I haven't had the best track record when it comes to dating and love and relationships. Up until now, I've seemed to always find guys who were jerks or emotionally unavailable or just not the right guy or selfish or any combination of them. I've always loved harder and longer. And in the end was broken hearted and left wondering if I was ever going to find someone who would make me feel the way I knew I was meant to feel in a relationship - loved, cherished, special, beautiful. And after my last relationship ended, I really was left feeling like I was never going to find someone who really saw me. In May, I decided to give it one last try and joined Match.com to see what was out there. I met a few guys, but fairly quickly discovered that they were not the right guy for me. Then in July I received an email from a guy named Dave. I was really excited about the potential from the beginning (after reading his profile and seeing his pictures). And as we communicated with each other, I got even more excited. And then we met. <i>This is always such a crap shoot with online dating because you never really know if the person you're going to meet is really who they say they are online.</i> And lucky for me, he was exactly who he said he was, and then some :). I won't bore you with all of the details from that first date until now, but I will say it's been such a lovely adventure so far. I have been so surprised in so many ways.<br />
<br />
When I think of this song, I think of Dave and all the ways I have been surprised by him, our relationship, and the way he makes me feel. My favorite line of the song is, "Nothing prepared me for what the privilege of being yours would do." To me, that line sums up how I feel about my relationship with Dave. Again, I don't know what I don't know until I know what I didn't know. I had no idea. He makes me feel so lucky and blessed to know him. I feel cherished and cared for and special and treasured and beautiful. It's in the way he looks at me and smiles with his eyes. It's in the way he reaches for my hand when we walk down the street. It's in the way values my intelligence, personality and passions. It's in the way he brushes my hair out of my face. The way he has been so open and honest with me from the beginning. The way we laugh together. The way he allows me to do things for him. I really didn't think I could ever feel this way. I am so glad I was wrong. He and I make a great team and I'm so very excited to see what the future holds for us. We make each other better, and to me, that's what relationships are about.<br />
<br />
I am a blessed woman. A happy woman. A richer woman. All because I now know what I didn't know I didn't know :)Staciehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13735955677353841901noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7587279057563388627.post-84398129985710400202013-08-28T15:00:00.002-04:002013-08-28T15:00:57.097-04:00The Difference A Pound MakesWARNING: This is an unfiltered post. I normally write out my posts on paper and sensor and edit myself a little bit before I post to this lovely little blog. But I'm feeling like I just need to get some things off my chest to reduce the anxiety I'm feeling today. So please read with caution and understand that these are my authentic feelings in this particular moment. This is my current truth (my current truth changes all of the time! lol).<br />
<br />
I haven't lost weight in four weeks. FOUR weeks. And I know my Facebook status today said that I'm frustrated but okay with that. But if I'm being honest, I'm so not okay with that. And I'm not okay with that for so many reasons. I bust my ass in the gym and out on the streets. I run hard, even when I don't want to! I ran more than twenty miles last week. I ran a nine minute mile last week! I've been pushing myself harder and longer than ever before. My eating hasn't been 100%, but I've been good. I eat salad instead of fries. I drink a shake instead of pizza when all my co-workers order pizza. I don't eat after 8:00pm. I am doing what I should be doing. And yet the fucking scale doesn't move! It continues to flash 200 in my face and laugh. It's so frustrating. I want so badly to be in the 100's. I don't know if there are words to describe how much I desire to no longer weigh two-hundred something.<br />
<br />
There's something that seems to freeing to me about being in the 100's. I honestly can't think of the last time I weighted less than 200 pounds. Probably fourth or fifth grade (about 25 years ago!). And I get that this journey is SOOOOO much more than about the number on the scale. I do. But this is a milestone I've been desperate to achieve for so very long. And for someone who's never been in the 200's, I'm sure this sounds crazy, irrational even. But there has been so much attached to being over 200 pounds. For me, there's been so much embarrassment and shame attached to that number. It's something that has caused people to judge me and make assumptions about me and my lifestyle. For years, I allowed that number to define me and restrict the way I lived my life. I couldn't be an athlete at that weight. I couldn't ride roller coasters. Fly on an airplane. Go skydiving or zip lining. Do jumping jacks or lots of other exercises for that matter. Wear certain types of clothing comfortably. Buy fashionable clothes that don't cost a lot of money. I've allowed my weight to restrict my world, but the world has naturally done some of that restricting itself. And I know that when I am finally in the 100's, it won't be like magic. I know it won't cure my insecurities or peoples judgments about me. But what it will do is give me a huge boost in my self-worth. I know I will hold my head higher, swish my hips a little harder, laugh a little louder, be a little bolder. And it will just be an outward symbol of all the hard work I've been putting in. It's like a built in reward.<br />
<br />
And I really do appreciate everyone's encouragement and kind words. I really do. Often, those words help me feel supported and accounted for. There are times though, where I feel frustrated with people's words. I understand that muscle weighs more than fat. I understand I have lost inches and that it's not just about the pounds. I get that I need to change up my exercises and eat the right number of calories a day. I get it AND I'm still super frustrated and disappointed that the scale isn't moving. And I'm not trying so sound ungrateful at all. People's support means a lot to me. It just sometimes feels like I'm not allowed to have a bad day or ill feelings about this process. And unfortunately, I'm human and that means I'm not perfect and I'm going to have bad days where I feel like I still weigh 269 pounds and feel gross and don't like myself. Those days don't happen often, but they do happen.<br />
<br />
Most days I feel pretty. I look in the mirror and am happy/proud of what I see. I use the word sexy to describe myself - something I've never done in all of my life. I love my legs and my neck line and my wrists. I love that my dimples pop more. I love that I can shop in the "normal" sized sections at stores. I love that most days I'm confident in my skin. And most of all, I love that when the man in my life compliments me, I believe him! That is something I've never been able to do, ever. And for the sake of our relationship and it's future, I'm so very glad I can honestly say that I believe him when he says I'm beautiful or that he loves my body exactly the way it is.<br />
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All of this to say - I'm having a bad day. I feel sad, angry, frustrated, disappointed, discouraged as a result of this morning's weigh-in. But that's just how I feel in this moment. Tomorrow is a new day.<br />
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<br />Staciehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13735955677353841901noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7587279057563388627.post-25822771925075254222013-07-31T15:58:00.000-04:002013-07-31T16:36:55.299-04:00Happy AnniversaryToday marks one year since I started Operation Healthy Stacie. It has been a ride, that's for sure. I can't believe it was 365 days ago that this journey began. On day one, I weighted 269 pounds (twenty pounds lighter than my heaviest weight in 2006). On day one I was lost, broken, afraid and full of doubt. But somewhere in me there was this tiny glimmer of hope - hope for something more, different, new in my life. And so I began this journey believing that it was going to be about losing weight and being healthy. (See the youtube video I posted on day one: <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o8Zn4RpsFLk">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o8Zn4RpsFLk</a>) I had the goal to lost 89 pounds in one year so that I could be a healthy mom some day and to meet my husband (believing no man could love me at 269).<br />
<br />
The first six months of my journey were quite exciting. The weight seemed to melt off and I hit every goal I set before I needed to. This gave me confidence in myself and helped me to push myself to do more in the gym. I lost fifty pounds in the first six months! There was a huge tragedy in my life just two months into my journey however. My friend, my brother, Jim passed away from cancer. This was devastating and still is difficult at times. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of him. I miss his laughter and joy in my life. And I know he would be so proud of me and would say, "Oh, Stacie Brown! You so skinny!" And we would both proceed to crack up. His passing was a huge challenge for me to walk the walk of what I was learning about having a healthy relationship with food. And I realized that even though I am an emotional person, food had been a way of numbing and coping for me. And to not use food in that way and to truly grieve, was one of the most difficult and most freeing things.<br />
<br />
Then in May of this year my grandfather passed away, losing his battle with cancer. My grandpa was the hardest working man I've ever known. He was stubborn and funny and a great grandpa. I was the only granddaughter for a long time and I will always cherish that he never treated me differently than the boys. Every time I see a pair of bibs or suspenders or a pipe or a clematis flower or a western shirt, I will think of my grandpa and miss him. This loss has been more difficult than I imagined. And I relapsed a bit. I used food and alcohol to cope, to numb myself, to deal with the fact that I will never hear another dirty joke from my grandpa, that he will never see me marry, my children will never know him. I had a rough couple months with food and gave myself a free pass to just eat crap. And I realized that I can get better at this whole emotional eating thing, but I will never be delivered from it. It's always going to be a challenge for me.<br />
<br />
The second half of my journey was much more challenging than the first. The weight did not come off the way it did the first half. I only lost eighteen pounds the second six months of my journey. And if I were to look at it from strictly a weight loss stand point, I would be very disappointed and discouraged. BUT, the weight loss isn't the only thing that has happened this past year. This past year I have learned how much my body is capable of. I have learned that I am strong! I'm actually a beast :)! I dead lifted 190 pounds. I ran a half marathon in 2 hours 54 minutes. I ran an eleven minute mile for the first time ever. I am learning to push myself past the point of discomfort, to not listen to the voices in my head that say "this is too hard, you can't." I have dealt with a lot of inner demons that I had been stuffing for a long time or that I had been allowing to define me. I let them go, forgave and found freedom. I've learned to be confident in who I am, to embrace my uniqueness and to be proud of who I am. I'm discovering who I really am more and more each day - sassy, fun, bold, strong. And probably the biggest thing I have learned this past year is that I am beautiful. I have always been the girl with a pretty face. But I truly now believe that I am beautiful - all of me - flaws and all. Sure, I wish my stomach were smaller and that the skin on my thighs and upper arms wasn't so loose and jiggly. But those things are just proof of my hard work this past year. I love my shoulders and chest and that I can see my collar bone. I love my legs and how muscular and strong they are. I feel sexy - something I <u>never</u> would have said a year ago. I find myself walking taller, dressing to be noticed, speaking my mind more, feeling like I deserve true happiness and the desires of my heart. And I can honestly say I love myself.<br />
<br />
My biggest take aways from this past year are that no one can place limits on me unless I allow them to. I will always be stronger, more beautiful and more amazing than I think I am. I am not alone in my journey. I have inspired others (who knew?!). I get to be whoever I want to be. I will never be perfect and that's okay. There is nothing more freeing than forgiving yourself. A lot can happen in one year. I am worth it.<br />
<br />
So what's next? A new year of Operation Healthy Stacie begins tomorrow. I have twenty-one more pounds to lose to reach my goal weight. I want to be able to run a ten minute mile. I want to run the Borgess Half again and beat my time. And I am committed to falling more in love with myself every day!Staciehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13735955677353841901noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7587279057563388627.post-87734036181860945712013-06-19T17:05:00.001-04:002013-06-19T17:05:21.637-04:00Riding The Struggle BusHi. My name is Stacie Brown and I am an emotional eater. For the past forty-six weeks I have been working toward Operation Healthy Stacie. For forty-six weeks I have been counting calories, working out, running, running and running some more. I have been battling internal demons, working on my relationship with food and my relationship with myself.<br />
<br />
I have had great successes along the way. I met my first two goals in the first six months before I was suppose to meet them. I trained for and completed a half marathon and beat my goal time by four minutes. I cleaned out my closet because I can't wear most of my clothes anymore and got rid of over 100 articles of clothing. I've gotten stronger, more toned, built up my endurance. I can do things with my body that I've never been able to do before. I like myself more and am happier more often than I ever was before. I have felt sexy for the first time in my life. I fit into a size large for the first time.<br />
<br />
I've also had some real lows. My friend and brother from another mother, Jim passed away. I fell in love and then had my heart ripped out and stomped on. My grandfather passed away. I suffered from seasonal depression this winter. My hair stylist moved away. My Little Sister, Toniesha, whom I've mentored for four years moved to Florida. Our Executive Director, Deb (most amazing boss I've ever worked for) left our agency suddenly. My friend and trainer, Erin, left the fitness center very abruptly. This has been a year of great loss and grief. And for the past four months my weight loss has been a real struggle. I'll go down and up and down and up and down and up and down and up. And it's so very frustrating. I'm working so hard and making sacrifices to get to my goal and I feel stuck. I'm so close to being in the 100's - a place I haven't been since maybe fifth grade! I long to be there and will cry tears of joy when it finally happens.<br />
<br />
These last several months have been a big eye opener for me. Because just like an alcoholic will never be cured from their disease and will have temptations and slips along the way, I, as an emotional eater, will do the same. All of this loss and grief has been hard and I've reverted to my old ways - comforting myself, soothing myself with food. I've been going to celebrations and eating food that isn't in the plan. I've been going out for drinks and drinking more calories than I should. I've been using food as a friend. I've been feeling so lonely lately - lost/abandoned - but food is always there. So I've slipped. Now I haven't slipped in ways that I use to slip. Old Stacie would eat an entire pizza and order of bread sticks. I'd make a pan of brownies with frosting and eat the whole thing in two days or consume an entire tub of ice cream. I'm not doing those things, so in that sense, I've made progress, which is great. I just need to continue to make progress when it comes to my relationship with food.<br />
<br />
The two things that have probably shaken me the most are two things that I haven't really talked to too many people about because they're so deeply painful. The first is my heartache. About a year ago I reconnected with someone I grew up with. We always liked each other as kids, but I was too shy to "go out with him." We both moved away and never saw each other again. Well, thanks to technology, we reconnected through Facebook. And we hit it off, talking every day and just connecting on every possible level. He made me feel like a million bucks, saying things I've never heard any man say to me ever in my life. He desired me, appreciated me, cared for me, valued my thoughts and opinions, pursued me fiercely - something no man had ever done before (or since). And for the second time in my life, I fell in love. Hard. I shared pieces of myself with him that I've never ever shared with anyone in my thirty-four years of life. I trusted him completely. I saw a future with him. I felt like he was my husband and that our reconnecting was in God's timing....well, without going into details in order to not drag him through the mud, he broke my heart. And when I say he broke my heart I mean that he captured my heart, seduced my heart, stole my heart, and then he crushed my heart into powder, he broke it into unrecognizable pieces. Now I've had my heart broken many times in my life, so you would think I would be a pro at this, but I'm not. And the way he broke my heart was more painful than any heartache I've ever experienced in my life. I wouldn't wish the pain, sorrow, depression, anger, self-loathing that it created on my worst enemy. For a moment in time, he ruined me. I am slowly recovering and my heart is healing. The loss of this relationship has effected me for life. I have learned so much about myself and am forever changed because of it.<br />
<br />
The other thing that has had a lasting impact on me these past few months is the loss of my trainer and friend, Erin. She has been on this journey with me for YEARS. She was with me in 2010 when I ran my first half marathon, running every step with me. She believed in me when I didn't believe in myself. We've been through highs and lows together. She's seen me at my best and at my worst. I've shared things with her about myself, my past, my wounds that I've never told another living soul (and probably never will). And in the gym she pushed me and pushed me hard. She pushed me to do things I NEVER thought I would ever do. With her encouragement I ran a half marathon, I pushed and pulled a sled, I did box jumps, assisted pull-ups, burpees, towel pushes, dead lifted almost 200 pounds. She has helped me see that my only barrier when it comes to fitness is my mind and my belief in myself (or lack there of). She has shown me that all it takes is the belief that I can do it to actually do it. I have lost the weight I've lost so far because of her help. I have become as fit and strong as I am because she helped me get there. She helped me find the athlete in me. And so when she told me she was leaving the gym, I was devastated. How could I do this without her? She's been a part of Operation Healthy Stacie since the beginning. There's no way I can do this on my own. I can't push myself as hard as she pushes me. And I'll be honest, the last five or six weeks have been difficult. It's hard to get used to a different trainer and their style. And they don't know me, where I've been, what I've overcome, what my abilities are - so they can't push me. And as much as this sucks, and I feel like it has a little to do with the poor results I've been seeing on the scale, it's teaching me too. I'm learning that I need to be the one to push myself, that I can't always rely on others to motivate me and to push me and see my full potential. I need to do that for myself. And as much as I miss Erin, I really miss her a lot....I am taking this as a new challenge. And it's my goal to be my own motivator. To see beyond my limits. To push myself to run harder, to lift more weight, to do more burpees, to hear the voice in my head that says "this hurts, so I need to quit" and keep going anyway. I need to honor the athlete that I am and believe that I can do anything with the body I have.<br />
<br />
So yes, I am currently on the struggle bus. I am in a rough patch. I have not lost the weight at this point in my journey that I've wanted to lose. I need to pull myself out of the mire and go again....Staciehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13735955677353841901noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7587279057563388627.post-79697779919797089402013-04-04T13:04:00.000-04:002013-04-04T13:04:18.484-04:00Not Good For YouHave you ever done something or wanted something you just knew wasn't good for you? You see it and just know deep down that it's bad for you and is going to hurt you, but you do it anyway because in the immediate it feels good and meeting a need in your life that is lacking? No?!?! Well, me either! Just kidding. This is something I struggle with all the time, EVERY day. Whether it's eating or drinking something I know I shouldn't or sleeping in instead of going to the gym or watching TV shows instead of reading or praying or journaling or doing something active. Or talking to someone I shouldn't be. Or giving my heart to a man who has no business having it in the first place....<br />
<br />
And I wonder what it is about me that I do this so often. Why haven't I learned my lesson? Why do I have this struggle? How many times will I have to have regret for doing something I knew was a bad choice from the start? Because even before I do it, my head tells me I shouldn't. My logic kicks in and tells me it's a bad idea and that there will be consequences if I proceed. BUT MY HEART....Damn my heart!!! My heart has other ideas. My hear rationalizes it and tells me it will make me feel better, that I deserve it, that will power doesn't exist, that I can because I exercised, that it won't hurt me, that I need to live on the edge a little and not be so cautious, that I better take what I can get because there may not be a better offer.<br />
<br />
I'm not sure I have an answer as to why I do this to myself or why my heart leads me astray. I think it probably has a lot to do with my self worth and how I see myself and value myself. And I think because I often struggle with loving myself well I sabotage myself and make choices I know are not good for me because I think I'm going to fail anyway or that I deserve to be unhappy. And it makes me sad that I do that to myself. I know in my head that I am beautiful and amazing and strong and that I deserve the best and deserve joy and happiness. But it's one thing to know that in your head and it's another thing to believe it with your heart. And I'm not there yet...But I'm working on it.<br />
<br />
I did something really big and scary for me a couple weeks ago. And in order to protect the other person involved, I can't and won't go into details. I will say that eight months ago I gave my heart to a man I had no business giving it away to. He is not God's best for me. He is not someone who is in a position to love me well. But I gave him my heart because he made me feel special, beautiful, valued. And I thought that he was as good as it was ever going to get for me, that I needed to take what I could get when I could get it because this may be all I was going to be given. So I dove right in and loved him and loved him hard. And loving him only caused me pain and heartache in the end. And it took me eight months to realize that I am worth so much more than what he could give me. So a couple weeks ago, I mustered up every ounce of courage I had and I ended it. I said goodbye and I took my heart back from him. And man, that was rough and the last few weeks have been rough. I miss him. He hurt me and my heart is left with some scars that need to heal. <br />
<br />
I feel sad that I allowed this to happen. But also thankful for the experience at the same time because I now know that I deserve more than that. I deserve God's best. And I saw what happens when I compromise myself and settle for something less than what He has promised me. And I may have to wait a hell of a lot longer than I want to (already have) for God's perfect timing. But the pain of waiting is nothing compared to the pain of regret when I settle and choose something that is not His best for me. So as I move forward, I am hopeful that God's promise for me is on the horizon and I am worth NOTHING LESS than His best!!!Staciehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13735955677353841901noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7587279057563388627.post-30315867628610498992013-02-08T14:36:00.002-05:002013-02-08T15:01:43.601-05:00Fat Stacie<br />
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Well, I’ve
made it to the six month mark in Operation Healthy Stacie. Six months! I can’t
believe it’s been six months already! Most of the time it feels like I just
started this journey. Though there are occasional days where I feel like I’ve
been working at this forever!<o:p></o:p></div>
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My goal was
to lose forty-five pounds by February 1<sup>st</sup> (halfway). Well, I lost
that PLUS five more pounds! I have lost fifty pounds in six months! That is
crazy to me! And after doing my all over measurements, I have lost a total of
forty inches! For the first time I can ever remember, I’m in the 210’s. I
really have no idea the last time I was this light – middle school maybe? For
the first time I can wear tall, sexy boots (my calves were too big before). I
went out and bought my first pair of skinny jeans. Ha! I never thought that
would happen. And I’m starting to finally see the changes in my body. I’ve felt
more energized and stronger for many months. But I haven’t been able to notice
my body getting smaller until recently. And I’m noticing the small changes.
Others see big changes, but because I stare at my body every day in the mirror
(an exercise I started forcing myself to do about a year ago) I don’t see what
everyone else sees. <o:p></o:p></div>
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If I’m being
honest, I’ve been very frustrated and disappointed with the lack of change in
my body. I feel like after fifty pounds and all the ass busting I’ve been
doing, my body should look transformed. I should be in a totally different
size. And I’m not. Sure my pants are all a bit too big, but they aren’t falling
off of me or anything. And this scares me. What if I get to my goal (179) and
still feel like I felt at 269? What if my body doesn’t feel different to me?
What if I still hate looking at myself naked in the mirror?<o:p></o:p></div>
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My main
motivations for doing all of this are: To fall in love with myself and become
who I was created to be. To be healthy so I can become a mom someday. Which
leads into the third reason, to meet and marry my husband. And right now, I’m
really just scared that none of those are going to happen for me. I’m afraid
that I’m going to lose all this weight and I’m still not going to love myself.
I’m still going to feel lost about who I am. And as a result, I won’t find love
or become a mom. And the thought of that is terrifying. <o:p></o:p></div>
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I’ve also
been struggling with being noticed. People (women) are commenting on my
changing body – in a positive way – and it’s unsettling. I’ve never had people
take positive notice of my body. It’s very strange. And I’m not doing all of
this to be noticed or anything like that, so it feels strange to get that sort
of attention. And it also makes me question what people thought about me and my
body fifty pounds ago. And it makes me think that I really don’t want to know
what they thought…<o:p></o:p></div>
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There’s also
a strange grieving that comes along with this whole journey. Grief of the
person I was when I was heavier. Grief of the mask that the extra pounds
created. I have been “Fat Stacie” my ENTIRE life. Being fat has been such a
huge part of my identity and my life’s journey. And it’s really sad and scary
to lose a part of that. And yes, I’m still fat, but I’m changing. I’m more
confident, more outspoken, laugh more freely and am walking taller. And yes,
these are good changes, I know that. But I have always been able to hide behind
my weight. I’ve used it as a reason to not do things. I’ve used it as an excuse
for so many things. I’ve believed that being “Fat Stacie” is the reason I’m
single. And so as I become less fat, I’m afraid that once I’m just Stacie, all
the things I have blamed on being fat will still be issues. And what then?!?! I
just feel very exposed as I lose weight – naked, vulnerable. And that’s scary.
I knew this was going to be an emotional journey but I didn’t realize the depth
of how much this would really rock me to the core. To make me question who I am
and what I believe about myself and life.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I really am
excited about this journey and where it’s going to take me. I’m just at a place
where the process it’s messy and scary. And I’m choosing to believe that out of
the messy parts, something beautiful and freeing will come in the end!<o:p></o:p></div>
Staciehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13735955677353841901noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7587279057563388627.post-32248740761634338572013-01-02T10:45:00.000-05:002013-10-29T17:58:31.193-04:00The Good, The Bad & The Ugly of 2012<br />
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Well, 2012
has come to a close. It has been a year of really wonderful peaks and very dark
and sad valleys. This year was very challenging for me both personally and
professionally. I’ve been more stressed and depressed in the past twelve months
than I ever have been in my life. I have had moments where I have lost hope in
everything, moments where I couldn’t get out of bed, moments where the only
thing I knew to do was cry…I’ve had moments of joy, pride and celebration. I’ve
done and said things this year that I never thought possible. I’ve built
relationships with some amazing people. I’ve pushed myself beyond what I
thought I was capable of….I decided to make a list of the good, bad and ugly of
2012. <u><o:p></o:p></u></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<u>THE GOOD<o:p></o:p></u></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Celebrated my fifth year at BBBS and worked with
hundreds of amazing kids & volunteers<o:p></o:p></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Lost FORTY pounds<o:p></o:p></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Started to LIVE my life<o:p></o:p></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Reconnected with an old friend after sixteen
years<o:p></o:p></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Made new friends (Lindsey, Mel, Jeni, Megyn)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Got tattoo #4 – an anchor on my left foot to symbolize
hope in the midst of life’s storms<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Had final touch-ups done on my phoenix – I love
her more every day<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Ran Borgess 5K with Marykay<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Cheered Jeni and Megyn on in their first half
marathon<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Started to discover how physically strong my
body is<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Got a raise at work<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Cut my hair into a Mohawk<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Felt sexy for the first time ever<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->My old boss returned to BBBS and much of my
stress left<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Joined the Hope Project Leadership at The River
& made new friends (Tierra, Sheila, Sean, Chris, Deonna & Naomi)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->My friend Keith had a heart attack in May, had
quadruple bypass, and has made a FULL recovery<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Became Brad’s “beard” :)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->My Little Sister, Toniesha, graduated from fifth
grade<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Spent a lot of time at the pool with my niece
and nephew this summer<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Deepened my friendship with Linda Marie<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Was kissed for the first time since 1997<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Lacey & Sam got engaged and I was asked to
be Lacey’s Maid of Honor<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Auditioned for The Biggest Loser with Kati<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Made new work friends (Emilie & Lauren)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Got to be the instructor for our Cardio Sculpt
class at the gym twice<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Learning to love myself a little bit more every
day<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<u>THE BAD
& THE UGLY</u><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->My dear friend Jim was diagnosed with liver
cancer in April<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Jim passed away on September 9<sup>th</sup><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Cindy and the kids moved to California in
October<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Stopped wearing acrylic nails after thirteen
years because I just can’t bring myself to walk into another nail salon<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Joined eharmony for six months. Went on two
dates and talked to a handful of other guys. Many interesting stories to tell
now. Decided that’s not how I’m meant to meet my husband<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Celebrated the holidays as a single woman again<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->I’m officially the only single cousin on my dad’s
side of the family – that makes for fun conversations at the holidays :/<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->My heart grew bitter toward God<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Started training for the half marathon, but was
injured the first week of training and was down at out for six weeks.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Lost my best friend of nineteen years due to a
misunderstanding<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Almost quit my job a half dozen times<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->My dog, Goldie, passed away<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Got stomach flu twice this year and a sinus
infection. Called in sick for the first time in over a decade<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Lost two awesome co-workers (Keesha & Tammy)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->My heart breaks a little more every day that I
am not a wife and mother<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<u>GOALS FOR
2013<o:p></o:p></u></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l2 level1 lfo3; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Reach goal weight of 180 by August 1<sup>st</sup>
<u><o:p></o:p></u></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l2 level1 lfo3; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Travel to Ireland for my 35<sup>th</sup>
birthday<u><o:p></o:p></u></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l2 level1 lfo3; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Train for and run the Borgess half marathon in
May<u><o:p></o:p></u></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l2 level1 lfo3; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Heal my relationship with God<u><o:p></o:p></u></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l2 level1 lfo3; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Meet & start dating my future husband<u><o:p></o:p></u></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l2 level1 lfo3; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Be more adventurous/spontaneous<u><o:p></o:p></u></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l2 level1 lfo3; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Get an eye exam<u><o:p></o:p></u></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l2 level1 lfo3; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Get a physical/find a doctor<u><o:p></o:p></u></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l2 level1 lfo3; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Buy a new car<u><o:p></o:p></u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Before I
started this list, I was SURE that the bad and ugly would outweigh the good,
but the good list is almost twice as long! It’s amazing what we choose to focus
on, what I choose to focus on. I think for me, the bad and ugly this year was
deeply devastating and shook me at my core, so it was easier to focus on the
pain I was left with instead of focusing on all the little amazing things that
were going on around me. So I hope that as I move into 2013, I will remember
this and will make a conscious choice to live in the moment and focus on what’s
in front of me. To cherish the good, to grieve the bad and ugly and then to let
it go and move forward knowing I am stronger.<o:p></o:p></div>
Staciehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13735955677353841901noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7587279057563388627.post-47810813807367950532012-11-01T21:22:00.002-04:002012-11-01T21:22:47.235-04:0090 Day Challenge CompleteSo, I've completed the first ninety days of Operation Healthy Stacie. These past ninety days have flown by! I can't believe it's been three months since I decided, once and for all, to get fit & healthy. I have dieted and worked out on and off since middle school. And nothing has ever really worked. I've never liked being overweight - ever. It's actually brought a lot of pain and heartache to my life and has really held me back. Bit in spite of how difficult and painful it's been to be overweight, my love of food and my battle with emotional eating has always won out. Up until now that is!<br />
<br />
For the first time in my life, I'm choosing real joy, real sadness, real emotions, real life instead of dulling the pain with food or alcohol. For the first time, I see food as fuel. For the first time I see myself as an athlete and see working out as a part of my daily routine, not a pain in the ass. I actually find working out to be fun. :) For the first time in my life, I'm focusing on me and really allowing myself the freedom to be me. And for the first time in my life, I'm making sacrifices for the future me and I'm excited for her! She's going to be fierce and strong. She's going to be healthy physically, emotionally, spiritually. She's going to be a loving wife because she loves herself well first. She's going to truly live life and view it as an adventure!<br />
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These past ninety days have been life changing - life giving! They have not been easy at all. There have been peaks and valleys along the way. I have had successes and failures. I have been rocked by grief. I've learned my body is A LOT stronger than I ever thought possible. I've learned that I can push myself beyond my limits and it's 90% mental. I've learned that I'm pretty effing amazing! And for thirty-three years I held myself back and hid behind food and fat. But not anymore!<br />
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I ninety days, I have lost THIRTY pounds and twenty-seven inches! I had two goals for these ninety days. The first goal was two pounds a week - twenty-four pounds. The stretch goal was twenty-nine pounds. And I lost thirty! I am now lighter and more fit than I have ever been in my adult life. I think the last time I was this weight, I was in sixth or seventh grade! I'm really proud of myself and what I've accomplished. And I'm really excited for the next ninety days.<br />
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Because of I'm ahead of my goal, I only need to lose 18 pounds in the next ninety days (by February 1). So, I'm going to set a goal to lose twenty pounds in the next three months. That will put me in the 210's. I only need to be 1/4 of the way to my goal, but I'm already 1/3 of the way there! I CAN do this!!!!<br />
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180 here I come!!!Staciehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13735955677353841901noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7587279057563388627.post-55465747473480333032012-10-22T18:52:00.000-04:002012-10-22T18:52:03.447-04:00Some Thoughts at Thirty-fourHere are some of my thoughts on my body, on love and on life...<br />
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<u><b>My Body</b></u><br />
I am learning that I am a work in progress and that includes my body. Just a few months ago, I wouldn't have had anything kind to says in regards to my body. But over the past three months, I am learning to have a different perspective. I like my eyes (most people say they are my best feature), my smile, my teeth, my dimples, my wrists, my collarbone, and my legs. I love how strong my legs are and how they are curvy and voluptuous strong and getting more toned each week. They helped me run a half marathon. They help me get out my nervous energy by bouncing when I sit :). They take me everywhere I go. They look good in a dress. And my left thigh hosts the most amazing piece of art I've ever seen - my phoenix - that reminds me that I am a new creation! And I don't have to be who I've always been or who others have told me I am or believe what I've always believed. I am new everyday and I get to choose what that looks like! My body is not where I want it to be, but it's getting there. And I will achieve my goal because for the first time in thirty-four years, I love my body. I love my body for what it can do and I don't shame it for not looking the way I or others think it should. I am strong. I am sexy. I am beautiful.<br />
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<b><u>Love</u></b><br />
I believe that love is the greatest gift you can give someone. I think that love is found in the details of life/relationships. I believe in soul mates, but that there are only a few people who are lucky enough to actually find them. I believe that love is a choice. I believe that loving someone can be the most glorious and most painful thing a person can do. I think about love all the time. It's something that has eluded me my whole life - romantic love that is. When I love, I love big. I think I'll be an amazing wife and mother someday. I'm truly terrified that I'll never find love, that I'll never become a wife or mother. I think that if that never happens for me, my heart will be permanently broken.<br />
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<b><u>Life</u></b><br />
Life is often unfair. Bad things happen. People hurt people. People die too young. Life can be messy. Life can pass us by if we let it. It's easy to put on blinders and find yourself "coasting" through life and just maintaining the status quo. Life is what we choose to make it. Life can be an adventure if we want it to be. Life is much more a world of grey than I'm comfortable with. Life is about the people we meet. It's about learning, growing, building relationships, creating memories. Life is about choosing to live!<br />
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<br />Staciehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13735955677353841901noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7587279057563388627.post-68778924212435889182012-10-10T15:42:00.000-04:002012-10-10T15:42:36.424-04:00I Guess That's Why They Call It The BluesSo it's been a little over a month since my friend Jim passed away. I still find it hard to believe that he's gone and is never coming back. I've lost people in my life before, but never anyone that I loved and treasured as much as Jim.<br />
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Grief is a strange thing. There are days where I feel "normal" all day long. There are days where all I want to do is cry and lay in my bed. There are days where the grief just sneaks up on me out of nowhere and all of the sudden I am sobbing or angry at the world or both. And then there are the days that I just feel completely numb, void of any emotions at all. These days scare me the most, as I don't like not feeling. I've been totally exhausted too and have been falling asleep on the couch (something I never do) and having a really difficult time getting out of bed. I wonder how long grief is going to have its hold on me. Last week Tuesday, I went for my morning run around my complex and got about fifteen minutes in and started sobbing uncontrollably. There was one point where I was crying so hard that I had to stop in my tracks and pull it together so I could continue on. I hope no one saw me. I haven't felt like this since my last real heartbreak six years ago. I don't want to feel this way, but I don't know how else to feel.<br />
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My birthday is this weekend, I'll be 34. And everyone who knows me, knows I L.O.V.E. love birthdays. I love celebrating, spending time with friends, getting dressed up, doing something fun and just having a good time. Bit this year I don't even feel like celebrating. I would be perfectly content sleeping the day away and talking to no one.<br />
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I lost my friend. My brother. He's been the man in my life for the past thirteen years. And I hope the man that I marry one day is a lot like Jim. Every two weeks I would spend an hour and a half with him and his wife. Laughing, joking, talking, learning, connecting, loving, sharing - doing life together. He brought so much joy to my life. I don't think I realized just how much until now. I'm never going to laugh with him again, and that breaks my heart so very much.<br />
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Jim's memorial was on October 1st and it was so very sad, so very beautiful and truly honored his life. At the service a woman named Mary read a narrative that she wrote about Jim's like and the many journeys he's been on along the way. It is one of the most beautiful and amazing things I've every heard. It's really long, so I won't post the whole thing here, but I want to share the epilogue that she wrote about Jim's final journey.<br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>I always think I live long time, my family have endless years
together. To watch my children grow up
and settle happy make pride in my heart.
When sickness strike me, I pray and pray and fight hard to live. I tell some people, if I not die thirty year
ago, I not die now. But God have other
plan for me. God take my body to different
place, but leave behind my spirit……to hold together treasure pieces of my life,
to visit again all spaces on earth I love.
If you look close, you find me in velvet grass of well care-for lawn, in
delicate spice of steamy noodle soup, in flea market loud bustle, in green stalk
of lucky bamboo, in strong energy flow on Vietnam New Year Day. If you see hunky Chippendale dancer or
Heineken beer drinker or turtle with painted toes or ailing plant come back
healthy, it will be sign I am here. I
want no sadness for me, only good memory.
I hope you smile to think of me……with five broken lawn mower or second-hand
trailer with flat tire or big elephant clam with magic power. Laugh to remember my family drive away fast
from campground in early morning light or eat Thanksgiving dinner late because
turkey not thaw before roasting or hunting in snow for hours but not find right
Christmas tree. Some times in my life hard, but always more joy than sorrow, always
my family love to lift me up. Vicki,
Jimmy, Derek and Yuki, too, know I still stand by their side and help light the
way. Cindy know my happiest time is 22 year I spend marry to her. I say one
week before I go, with friends to witness, I wait for Cindy and I will marry her
again. This promise I keep until end of
time.</i></span></blockquote>
I don't know about you, but like Jim, I have always just assumed I would have a long life. But that is not guaranteed to any of us. So every time I see a really nice lawn, lucky bamboo, Vietnamese New Year, koi fish, Heineken, turkey dinner, Chip n Dale dancers, well manicured nails or laughter - I will think of my friend and I will miss him. These things will always remind me of my beautiful friend Jim Dung Diep and will serve as reminders to honor my friend's life and legacy and to live a life filled with joy and love.<br />
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<br />Staciehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13735955677353841901noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7587279057563388627.post-61287323518505351922012-09-12T11:44:00.000-04:002012-09-12T11:44:33.219-04:00Jim: My Personal HeroOn Sunday, September 9, 2012 at 1:00am this world lost an amazing man. My dear friend, Jim lost his battle with cancer. He has left behind his wife, Cindy and his three children: Vicky (20), Jimmy (turning 18 tomorrow) and Derrick (10). And he has left a void in this world. I really can't believe he's gone. Part of me expects to walk into his shop next Friday and be greeted with a "Staaaaacie Brown! How are you?!?!" and a loud belly laugh from the both of us. It breaks my hear that that will never happen again. I have moments where I'm fine, where I put aside my grief and can laugh and be present in the moment. And I have moments where all I can do is weep, weep for my friend who is no longer with us and for his wife and kids. He will never see Vicky get married. He will never see the boys graduate from high school. He will never meet his grandchildren. Cindy has lost her best friend. Jim and Cindy did EVERYTHING together. They were together at all times, working side by side every day. Cindy joked that the only time she wasn't with Jim was in the shower - that that was the one place that was her solitude :). I can't even begin to comprehend the devastation she is experiencing now that Jim is gone.<br />
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Jim's passing has my mind reeling. I don't understand why he wasn't healed. I don't understand why he got cancer. I don't understand why Cindy and the kids have had the most important man in their life taken from them. And I know I'll never understand why. I've also been reflecting a lot about my own life. I'm so very glad that the last time I saw Jim I gave him a huge hug and told him that I loved him very much. But so often in my life I take people for granted, assuming they're always going to be in my life. I tell myself all the time that I'll call that person tomorrow, I'll send them a card/email later, they know how much I care about them, we can get together some other time...I put the people I claim are most important to me on the back burner to work and sometimes to laziness.....I don't want to lose another friend suddenly to cancer or a car accident or whatever it may be, and have regrets that they didn't know how much I loved them and valued them. So I am going to do my best to be more intentional with my friends and really tell them how I feel - to put myself out there with the people I love.</div>
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And I have been thinking about where I put my time and energy right now. I spend most of my time working, working out, sleeping and watching TV. I think I need to step back and re-prioritize my life and do what's important: spending time with my family and friends and doing things that bring me joy!</div>
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A few months ago, I auditioned for The Biggest Loser (another post for another time). And on the application, they asked the question "Who is your personal hero?" And I immediately thought of Jim. Here's what I wrote:</div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><i>My personal
hero is my friend Jim. When he was a young boy, he was put on a boat by himself
by his brother to make a life in America. He grew up very poor in Vietnam &
his family wanted more for him. He went through many struggles after coming
here. He was moved around a lot – bounced from home to home. He was teased,
ridiculed, abused, homeless, hungry. He suffered greatly. But when Jim tells
his story, he always focuses on the good, never the bad. He tells his story
with a smile on his face and always had hope that things would be okay, even in
the darkest times…He met his wife, Cindy and they married, had three amazing children,
and own their own successful business. He is living the “American Dream.” I don’t
think his family knew the depth of their decision when they put Jim on that
boat, but they really have saved his life! In April of this year, Jim was
diagnosed with liver cancer. He is currently in treatment. If her were in
Vietnam, this would be a death sentence. Jim is a fighter through and through and
views his cancer as just another trial. He still has a smile on his face as he
fights for his life. He is the most positive and amazing person I know and
really is a hero. He has become like family to me over the past thirteen years.
He is the older brother I always wanted and I admire him greatly. I hope that
one day I can be a little bit like him. My life is richer because of my dear
friend, Jim.</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 18px;">Here's a link to Jim's story that was in the Kalamazoo Gazette on Christmas Day: </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 9pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span><a href="http://www.mlive.com/news/kalamazoo/index.ssf/2011/12/refugee_reflects_on_freedom_an.html" id="yui_3_2_0_7_1347459609726434" style="outline: 0px;" target="_blank"><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; color: purple; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 115%;"><span id="lw_1347462182_0">http://www.mlive.com/news/kalamazoo/index.ssf/2011/12/refugee_reflects_on_freedom_an.html</span></span></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9MTe5MMwPQVfRJZjzpdi7nkPKzhejfN74jvocpWDPXug-bFkJLqhQR1XdCAurTSxpULEplG63QhvVimOdNQydBt-Pz87lqz-c46Nt0juCefWfTQhPihHlFlf2q1_UUGRKR6fjbagzWfVC/s1600/jim.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9MTe5MMwPQVfRJZjzpdi7nkPKzhejfN74jvocpWDPXug-bFkJLqhQR1XdCAurTSxpULEplG63QhvVimOdNQydBt-Pz87lqz-c46Nt0juCefWfTQhPihHlFlf2q1_UUGRKR6fjbagzWfVC/s320/jim.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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I will remember my friend Jim as a man with a huge heart! I will remember his laughter, his mischievous nature. I will always remember teaching him American slang terms and how to use them PROPERLY :). I will remember how hardworking he was. I will remember how much he loved his family. I will remember Jim as a fighter, a father, a husband, a brother, a friend. I will remember the endless number of conversations he and I had about me getting married and having babies. He wanted that for me just as much as I want it for me. Jim has been such a bright spot in my life over the past thirteen years. No matter what mood I was in when I saw him, I always left with a smile on my face and joy in my heart. Jim, without knowing it, has left a legacy here on earth. And I hope that I will do him proud as I continue to live my life and attempt to live my life the way Jim did - with hope and joy! </div>
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I miss you my friend and look forward to our reunion in Heaven one day!</div>
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Staciehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13735955677353841901noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7587279057563388627.post-54024178216062895402012-07-06T13:17:00.001-04:002012-07-06T13:17:38.727-04:00Last PlaceSo I've been going to a class at the gym for two plus years called Cardio Sculpt; it's a mix of cardio and weight training. It's a fantastic class and made up of some amazing people. I've made some great friends in this class and built in accountability as well :). This class has kicked my ass three days a week - EVERY single time. It never gets easier. It's intense and somehow fun (crazy, I know!). I have seen a lot of personal growth in my strength and endurance since I started the class. My form is better, I'm lifting heavier weights, pushing through the uncomfortable stage more and more. But the one thing that has always been tough for me is that I'm always last! And when I says always, that's not an exaggeration. We go out on the indoor track and run a set number of laps, and I'm always the last person to finish running. And some days it doesn't bother me to be last, but some days it really upsets me. And I have this internal conversation about being too weak, too fat, too out of shape, etc; that I'm just always going to be last - the weak link. So because I have this internal conversation, I don't push myself. I'm going to be last anyway, so why push harder?! Well, today I got angry. I got sick of being last. I'm the youngest person in the class by at least a decade (some people in the class are in their 60's), I shouldn't be last! And I decided I was going to push myself as hard as I could out on that track. The first time we went out of the track and ran, I pushed myself and I was still the last one done. Normally that would have been a "see, I told you" moment and I would have resigned and quit trying. But I decided to give it one more try. And we went out on the track again and I ran as hard as I could, chanting "Left. Right. Left. Right....." in my head, just putting one foot in front of the other. And do you know what happened??? I wasn't last!!!! Woo hoo! I was right in the middle of the pack! And in that moment, I had a little victory dance in my heart. I pushed myself and I did it.<br />
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It's amazing what limits we choose to put on ourselves. And I know for me personally, I am my own worst enemy. And the internal conversations I have with myself are often limiting and negative. But this morning I proved to myself that if I believe I can do something and I want it bad enough and I push myself through the discomfort, I can do it! And this applies to things outside of the gym too. This translates into my job, my friendships, my dating life, my relationship with God and my relationship with myself. If I think I'm going to be last, then I'm going to be last. And when I choose to see myself as strong and capable of more, guess what? I am!<br />
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I am what I am, no matter what I believe!Staciehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13735955677353841901noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7587279057563388627.post-57191428066617574742012-04-20T16:06:00.005-04:002012-04-22T18:36:41.482-04:00Invisibility Cloak<span><span >Okay, so I'm really struggling with being seen. Or I guess I should say, I'm struggling with the fact that I feel like no one sees me. And what's ironic is, the heavier I get, the more invisible I feel. I'm a big girl and take up more space than the average person, so I know people see me, they have to, right?! But often times I feel like I've unknowingly put on an invisibility cloak. I mean, I'll go into a store or church or any crowded place and get bumped into, pushed, stepped on, walked right in front of, over looked. There are times where I'll even speak and no one hears me. And at times, I'll make myself known, put myself out there, risk, and receive nothing in return - silent rejection. WTF?!?! What is it about me that this happens? What am I doing or not doing to allow others to see me as invisible? I have to wonder how invisible I would feel if I were thin. I also wonder if there are other overweight women who feel invisible like I do. Is it about my weight or is it about something else? I'm not sure.</span></span><div style="font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; line-height: normal; font-weight: normal; "><span ><br /></span></div><div style="font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; line-height: normal; font-weight: normal; "><span >I do know that I, like everyone else, desire deeply to be known/loved/seen. I want someone to know all of me - the good, the bad and the ugly and then choose to love me anyway. I want to be noticed in a crowded room. And what I want more than anything, is to be picked over all the "thin pretty girls." I want someone to see beyond the surface and see all the amazing qualities I have. I want someone to care enough to get to know me, to take a chance on me. </span></div><div style="font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; line-height: normal; font-weight: normal; "><span ><br /></span></div><div style="font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; line-height: normal; "><span >And I know God loves me, that he sees me, that he <b>knows </b>me (even better than I know myself). He loves me in spite of me. He loves me and sees me even when I push him away and try to hide. He pursues me. He knows my heart, my hurt, my desires. I know this. And most of the time, it's more than head knowledge. But right now, I'm hurt and confused and angry with God. I just feel like he too, doesn't see me or hear me. And I know his word says, "I will never leave you or forsake you." But it feels like he has, like he's left me all alone and doesn't hear my heart or my prayers. </span></div><div style="font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; line-height: normal; "><span ><br /></span></div><div style="font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; line-height: normal; "><span >So because I'm not feeling seen by God, I have turned to my old ways. I have gone back to what I know, what's comfortable. I have turned to food and solitude. I have pushed people away, isolated myself so I can't be hurt. And I have dealt with my hurt, my sorrow, my grief by eating and eating some more. I numb myself with food hoping I will stop hurting, but it only makes me feel worse. I have gained a lot of weight and my clothes are really tight and I feel disgusting. And I know I need to do something, to get myself back on track, I know. Most of me wants to. But part of me just wonders why bother. What difference will it make? I will still be where I am now, alone. And I know that that is a lie straight from hell, but for some reason, it's so easy to believe.</span></div><div style="font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; line-height: normal; "><span ><br /></span></div><div><span ><span><span>So I sit here in front of my computer with tear filled eyes asking for your help. I cannot do this alone. I need to be seen, to be held accountable, to not be left alone in the dark. I am making a commitment. Starting May 1st, I am wiping the slate clean and starting anew. I am going to the gym/working out six days a week. I will no longer eat fast food. I am cutting back the amount of alcohol I consume. I am going to work on my relationships with my friends/coworkers. And I am going to work on my relationship with God. I commit to quiet time every day. And I commit to being at my goal weight of 180 pounds by June 1st, 2013. That's going to be hard work. But I </span></span><b style="font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; line-height: normal; ">know</b><span><span> I can do it. And when I reach my goal weight, I will mark that occasion by getting a tattoo </span>sleeve<span>. So will you hold me accountable? I'm tired of hiding and tired of being invisible. I am </span>declaring<span> that I am seen and I am known.</span></span></span></div>Staciehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13735955677353841901noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7587279057563388627.post-86811925936600231042012-01-13T23:56:00.001-05:002012-04-22T18:37:17.146-04:00Confidence<span >Confidence is defined as being certain; belief in oneself and one's powers or abilities.</span><div><span ><br /></span></div><div><span >Where does confidence come from? Why is it some people have it and some people don't? And why do some people have A LOT of it?</span></div><div><span ><br /></span></div><div><span >I went out for drinks with a couple friends tonight and as I observed the room, that's what I noticed. There were women in the room who were full of confidence. They talked to others - strangers even - with boldness and were totally sure of who they were. They flirted with men with great ease. They knew who they were and were certain of who they are and what they have to offer. I was in awe as I observed this. And if I'm being honest - pretty envious. I wish I were like that.</span></div><div><span ><br /></span></div><div><span >I am so much more confident than I was a couple years ago. I really have come a long way. But comparatively, I have a long <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">friggin</span> way to go! I want to be able to look at an attractive man and believe that I can flirt with him and he won't be disgusted by it. I want to be able to get dressed up and KNOW that I'm sexy and beautiful - not just fake it. </span></div><div><span ><br /></span></div><div><span >So really where does confidence come from? You can't buy it or take a pill or just hope for it. <span style="line-height: 24px; "><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Christy</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Glas</span></span><span style="line-height: 24px; ">, Ph.D., a sociologist at Utah State University says, "</span><span style="line-height: 24px; ">confidence has to do with one’s inner perception of his or her ability to fulfill a particular job or role in society. To be sure, Glass also says that much, if not most, self-confidence is influenced by the world around us. This includes our crazy families, supportive friends and employers (likely falling somewhere between crazy and supportive)–not to mention </span><em style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; border-top-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-left-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-color: initial; border-image: initial; outline-width: 0px; outline-style: initial; outline-color: initial; vertical-align: baseline; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; line-height: 24px; ">People </em><span style="line-height: 24px; ">magazine and Victoria’s Secret."</span></span></div><div><span><span style="line-height: 24px; " ><br /></span></span></div><div><span><span style="line-height: 24px; " >That makes sense. My confidence is low because I don't believe I fill the role of beautiful woman in our society. And the world around me (family, friends, media) has affirmed that for me my whole life. So it must mean that people who are confident have been praised growing up and told that they can do anything they set their mind to. They are very lucky people.</span></span></div><div><span><span style="line-height: 24px; " ><br /></span></span></div><div><span><span style="line-height: 24px; " >I know I can grow to be a more confident person. I can. It will just be a lot of hard work to undo all the past wounds and self-doubt I have been lugging around for the last 33 years.</span></span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, serif; "><span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 24px; "><br /></span></span></div>Staciehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13735955677353841901noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7587279057563388627.post-60077819570754732392011-12-15T13:50:00.000-05:002011-12-15T13:51:07.427-05:00Living In The Present<p class="MsoNormal">So I as I sit in front of my computer today, I am completely distracted. My heart is filled with sadness, sadness for a friend who lost her father this morning. My heart is just breaking for her and her mom and her sister and all those who loved her dad. I find myself fighting off the tears and just thinking a lot about life and death and heaven. And I keep wondering how my friend is doing and wondering what I should be doing as her friend and can’t help but feel totally helpless in this situation. I don’t know what it’s like to lose a parent, but I can imagine that it’s one of the worst feelings I will experience in my lifetime. </p> <p class="MsoNormal">I keep thinking about dying and I imagine my own death some day and wonder what people will say about me when I go. If I were to die tomorrow, would I leave this world having left any kind of mark? Who would come to my funeral? What would be my legacy? Would the fact that I have lived for thirty-three years on this earth really even matter? I don’t know. I know I’m excited to be in heaven one day and have a perfect body and to never battle with depression or issues with food and to be reunited with friends and family who are already there and to spend eternity with Christ and worshiping him. I know heaven will be glorious. However, I’m simply not ready for that day to come. There are so many things I still want to do here on earth. I want to do the things on my bucket list (shave my head, go sky diving, travel to <st1:country-region st="on"><st1:place st="on">Ireland</st1:place></st1:country-region> – just a couple examples). But more than those things, I want to meet my husband. I want to have sex. I want to know real lasting love with someone. I want to give birth to a child. I want to see my niece and nephew grow up into amazing people. I want to love my friends fiercely. I want to write a book. I want to impact the lives of girls who struggle with their self image. I want to leave a legacy bigger than myself and the desires of my heart. And as I sit here, I wonder if any of these things will happen. What does my future hold? Who will be in it?</p> <p class="MsoNormal">Tomorrow is not promised. And I find myself longing for tomorrow – for the future. And I don’t know why. Because that means I’m not living in the present fully. I need to be more intentional about being fully present in each moment I have. I need to stop holding back with my love because of fear and love with reckless abandon. I need to make life happen and stop waiting for it to find me. I need to make the most of every day I have so I can say that I have lived a full and complete life and have impacted the lives of others for the better.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">“And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears. And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.” ~ Mumford & Sons</p>Staciehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13735955677353841901noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7587279057563388627.post-77983831615213009762011-12-06T09:36:00.000-05:002011-12-06T09:58:48.731-05:00Biggest LoserI have really been in a struggle lately. Struggling not in loving myself, but in tolerating myself. I feel like I'm going backward. I worked so hard to get where I was and in a matter of eight months, I undid what it took me two YEARS to do. How does that happen? I'm not really sure. I know it started with feeling stuck. I had hit a plateau with my weight, the same plateau I always hit when I have lost weight in the past. And I got really frustrated with busting my ass at the gym and denying myself foods I really wanted to eat and not seeing any results. Couple that with stress at work, quitting my half-marathon training and being disappointed in myself, and losing my best friend and biggest supporter for no known reason. All of that lead to me giving up on myself. Allowing myself to choose sleep over the gym. Eat Taco Bell instead of a salad for dinner. Sit on the couch in my pajamas instead of going for a run. And now I am 24 pounds heavier than I was at the start of 2011. I have one less friend in my life. And I don't really like myself. And I'm not really sure where to go from here or what to do.<div><br /></div><div>The other day my pastor preached a sermon about taking risks and being willing to fail. And that we need to be bold and step out and take risks to become more who God has intended us to be. But what do you do when that happens - when you risk and then fail? What then? I mean, I feel like I'm getting better at this risking thing. But what happens when it doesn't work? What am I suppose to do then? I think that's why I get stuck. I don't know what to do once I fail. So I start to beat myself up and reprimand myself for thinking I might succeed. And I get sad and retreat into what's comfortable, what I know best, eating my emotions and isolating myself. I know that's not healthy or what I should be doing when faced with failure, but what do I do instead?</div><div><br /></div><div>And then there's this whole CB thing. I think it has solidified for me that in order for me to be married and have kids, I need to lose weight. {I know, I know. You're going to tell me how beautiful I am and if a man can't see that, then he doesn't deserve me. I know.} I've struggled with this concept my whole adult life. I want to be loved for who I am, just the way I am. But is that realistic? Is that fair to ask? Men are visual creatures. They were designed to appreciate beautiful things. And culture (sadly) defines what beauty is. And in America, thin is beautiful. And yes, there are many shapes/sizes on the thin spectrum. But thin is not a word that has EVER described me. So if a man is looking for someone (consciously or not) who is beautiful and healthy and is going tot bear children for him, he would not seek me. I may have a pretty face, but I have learned the hard way, that simply is NOT enough. So as I consider this, I feel like one of two things has to happen. I need to either figure out this weight thing and go full on and lose 100 pounds OR I need to let go of the desire to become a wife and mother. Where I stand, there are no other options.</div><div><br /></div><div>And I don't know why this is my life's struggle. I don't know why I've been overweight my entire life. I don't know. I do know that I'm tired. I'm tired of the struggle. I'm tired of being overlooked. I'm tired of being judged. I'm tired of hating myself. I'm tired of feeling lost. I'm tired of being stuck in a holding pattern. I'm tired of rejection. I'm tired of knowing there's something more out there. I'm tired of being the girl with a pretty face. I am so very tired...so now what?</div><div><br /></div>Staciehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13735955677353841901noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7587279057563388627.post-42541716917663788502011-11-17T13:35:00.000-05:002011-11-17T13:52:08.757-05:00Unrequited LoveSo, it’s been a week since my lunch date and I’ve heard nothing from CB. That leads me to believe I’ve been dealt the friend card yet again. Awesome.<br /><br />I’ll be honest, I’m filled with a mix of emotions. Part of me is pissed! He couldn’t even bother to let me down easy? Nope, he chose to be a coward and just not say anything. That’s pretty crappy, especially because I was super vulnerable and put myself out there with him one hundred percent. And that makes me want to punch him in the gut and tell him to get over himself and to be a man. (Don’t worry, I won’t really act on that thought.)<br /><br />Part of me, most of me actually, is devastated (but I’m trying to hold it together). My last post was so authentic to how I feel about CB. I really did feel so confident that he was my husband, that this was going to be the beginning of our future together. There were so many things that have happened over the last six months that lead me to believe that God has his hand in this and that I was finally finding my husband. And so I went all in – more so than I ever have with any man before. I allowed myself to hope and dream of what our future would be like. I let my heart long for him. And I was filled with so much joy each time I thought about him. I was giddy. And took a huge risk and leap of faith by putting myself out there and making the first move. So I went into lunch confident, confident that we would have a great time, that he would see what an amazing woman I am and how great we would be together. And lunch was wonderful. We laughed our asses off. We talked about all sorts of things and learned we have so much in common, both in our interests and in where we come from and want to go.<br /><br />There was one strange moment at lunch, however. And I chose to let it go and not analyze it to death like the old Stacie would do. But now that it’s been a week with no call/text/email, I think my gut instinct was right….Here’s what happened. We were talking about church and being single and dating and he proceeded to tell me about a girl (who I know quite well) he was interested in not too long ago, and he was attempting to get a mutual friend to put in a good word for him. When that person did, this girl didn’t respond well and left CB with a bad taste in his mouth….And as he was telling me this, I thought, “Hmm, this doesn’t really seem like something you’d share on a first date, but maybe he’s just really comfortable with me.” But now, I think that was <b><i>the</i></b> moment the friend card was played. Shit. {insert tears here} And what’s even more devastating is I know this girl and she and I are very similar in A LOT of ways. But there’s one very big difference, she’s probably 140 pounds thinner than me. Awesome.<br /><br />This makes me feel so very foolish. Foolish that I ever thought a man like him could ever fall in love with a woman like me. Foolish that I think that any man for that matter could fall in love with me while I weigh 250 pounds. Foolish that I went out and bought a new outfit to wear to lunch. Foolish for the hope and joy I felt. Foolish for taking my heart off the shelf. Foolish for asking him out. Foolish for being so confident. And so very foolish for telling so many people about it and having to now tell everyone I was wrong.<br /><br />This quote from The Holiday, sums it all up for me:<br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">“I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. <span style="font-weight:bold;">But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love.</span><b> Of that I am an expert. </b>Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. Yes, you are looking at one such individual.”</span><br /><br />So now, I get to put my big girl pants on, admit defeat and go about business as usual with this man. I am not sure how I am going to do this. Right now it seems impossible with how broken I feel, but there really is no other alternative.Staciehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13735955677353841901noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7587279057563388627.post-18401087661540446832011-11-10T11:37:00.000-05:002011-11-11T09:51:52.944-05:00One & OnlyWarning: This is probably the most honest and uncensored post I have written to date. Read at your own risk and withhold judgement:) <br /><br />I just love this song - Adele's One & Only. Click here for the lyrics: <br />http://www.metrolyrics.com/one-and-only-lyrics-adele.html<br /><br />This song gives me chills and makes me tear up every time I hear it. The lyrics (and Adele's voice) are so haunting. And when I hear this song, I'm imagining I'm singing it to two people. The first person I imagine singing it to is CB. This song encompasses my feelings for him and the possibilities that could be there with him. I think about him all the time and I close my eyes and envision a future together. I see us happy and in love and doing life together. Having babies and making our own family. I see our wedding and walking down the isle toward him, reading my vows and crying tears of joy that I've finally found him. I imagine kissing him passionately and never getting enough of him. I imagine lazy Saturday nights snuggled up on the couch together. I imagine adventures with each other and pushing one another to try and do things we didn't think possible. And when I think about him and our future together, I know he's the one I want to be with forever. And it makes me laugh because I've known him for more than a decade & don't know why I've never "seen" him before. God's timing is not our own, that's for sure! And I wonder what he's thinking about me/us all the time. Does he sit and wonder about me like I do him? Does he see a future? <br /><br />But with all of this hope and promise and possibility - there's some lingering fear and doubt that creeps in. What if I'm jumping in and he doesn't like me? What if he's not attracted to me? What if he just wants to be friends? What if all I wind up getting out of this is a broken heart? What if he finds the idea of being with me ridiculous? What if this all blows up in my face? Am I strong enough for that?<br /><br />The other person I imagine I am singing this to is me...I just love the line, "I know it ain't easy giving up your heart." That just seems to be the story of my life. I have been so heart broken so many times that it makes it so very difficult, almost impossible, to put myself out there ever again. I imagine my heart like this piggy bank I have. My great-grandma Parker got it for me when I was a baby. It's a cute girl pig who plays tennis:). She's been broken several times and then glues back together. So she's VERY fragile now. She can no longer be used for what she was created to do. She now sits on display, empty, scarred, fragile, and patched up. She's still a cute little piggy bank, but because she was broken one too many times, she's forever changed and now just sits on a shelf in my apartment collecting dust...This is my heart. I was too careless with my heart when I was younger and gave it to whoever I felt deserved it at the time. And they didn't protect it, but instead dropped it, bruised it, cracked it, and eventually broke it. And every time, I've eventually pulled myself up by my bootstraps and mended my heart so I could give it to someone else. This self-destructive cycle started in fourth grade with Aaron Lewis and ended three years ago. It was then that I realized my heart was severely damaged, too fragile and needed to be placed on a shelf and not used. So that's what I did. I put up walls to protect my heart from being broken again. I promised myself I wouldn't let anyone else in because if I did, I didn't know if I would survive being hurt and heart broken one more time. My heart has been so damaged and scarred because of the way I have so flippantly given it away, I just knew it couldn't take another person breaking it. So like my piggy bank, it's been sitting high up on a shelf where no one can break it, just collecting dust...<br /><br />But I forgot something...my heart is not made of ceramic or glass. It's a living thing, which means it can be HEALED! It can be restored and renewed! And can be used again for it's original intent - to love and be loved. So over these last three years, my heart has been healing itself and being made new. There will always be scars there, but I'm glad for that. They remind me of where I've come from and what I never want to do again. They remind me that I'm human and make mistakes. And thanks to grace and mercy, I get to try again! And because God's timing is perfect, as my heart is healed and restored, a man comes into my life. A man who is truly worthy of my love. A man of God who possesses all the qualities of the man I hope to one day marry. <br /><br />I can't help but laugh and cry at this reality. I've been searching and waiting for my entire adult life for what seems to be before me. And I can hardly believe it's here! But God is a God who fulfills His promises. And five and a half years ago, He promised me I would be married. It may not have been fulfilled as quickly as I would have liked, but with all of my heart, I believe this is it! So as scary and difficult as it is, I'm giving up my heart and putting myself out there to love and be loved. And hopefully tomorrow afternoon is the start of a bright and beautiful chapter of my life - filled with love and risk and joy and companionship. So I sit here overflowing with gratefulness - gratefulness for restoration and kept promises!<br /><br />"You are so good to me. You heal my broken heart. You are my Father in heaven."Staciehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13735955677353841901noreply@blogger.com0