Beauty From Ashes

My family went on vacation together for the first time in twenty years. We ventured to the gorgeous Smokey Mountains. There's just something about the mountains. They're so beautiful, breathtaking actually. It was so lovely to sit on the deck in a rocking chair and sip on a cup of coffee as I soaked in the view of the mountains each morning. On the last day of our trip, we decided to take an up close and personal look at the mountains. So we ventured out to Cades Cove. And wow! So beautiful. We saw black bears, deer, old cabins and churches. And the view was spectacular from every direction. My brother really wanted to see a water fall, so we decided to do the hike to Abrams Falls. It was a five mile hike through the mountains. The sign said that it was "moderately difficult" and would take three to four hours to complete. For some stupid reason, we didn't really believe the sign that was posted in the National Park...that was not my finest hour. The hike was di...

I have attempted to write a post about my life since January 13, 2015. But every time I start to type, my mind either goes blank or emotions flood my mind and heart and I can't write. My beautiful sister, Mo sent me this blog post written by Jessie O'Donnell and her experience is a bit different than mine, because cancer is like snowflakes - no experiences are the same....so until I'm able to articulate my own experience, I'll leave you with Jessie's words.... Do you know who Hakaru Hashimoto is? Of course you don’t. Do you know all the functions of your thyroid? More than likely not. Have you ever even thought of your thyroid health? Probably never. Two years ago at 29 years old, during a routine visit to the gynecologist, my life changed forever. My doctor decided to feel my thyroid and thought she felt a nodule. She passed it off as something that was ‘no biggie’ but suggested that I find an endocrinologist to have it checked. What the hell is a thyroid nod...

It's amazing how your life and the way you hold things can change in the matter of moments. Things that once concerned you, don't really matter anymore. And you suddenly find yourself noticing all the things that you seemed to overlook until that one moment. Well, I had once such moment a week ago today. I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer last Tuesday morning. I have a cancerous tumor the size of my pinkie nail on the left side of my thyroid. I will be having surgery at Borgess Hospital on Wednesday, January 28th at 8:00am to have the cancer and my thyroid removed. I have to be off of work for a week to ten days in order to heal and recover. And some time after my recovery from surgery, I will have to have a form o f radiation treatment called radioactive iodine. And I will now be taking medication every day for the rest of my life to compensate for not having a thyroid. The surgeon and all the things I have read say that if you're going to have a type of canc...

I love the way she survived. Survival looked good on her. There were no dark marks under her eyes. Maybe deep inside, but I liked the way she looked through them and laughed at life. She did it gracefully. She'd walked over glass and through fire, but still smiled. And, honestly, I'm not interested in people who haven't lived and died a few times. Who haven't yet had their hearts ripped out, or known what it feels like to lose everything. I trust those people, because they stand for something. 2014 was a year. Wow! There were some amazing peaks and some dark valleys. It really has felt like a roller coaster. I have met some amazing people this year who have changed me and the way I see the world. I grew my faith in some huge and personal ways. I struggled. I lost. I triumphed. I grieved. - I rang in the New Year with the love of my life, having someone to kiss at midnight for the first time. - I had a valentine to celebrate love with for the first time. - I suffer...

Those of you who know me and love me know that I am hurting right now. I am going through the most difficult struggle of my life to date. I’m usually not one to sensor myself here, but I don’t want to go into details about this struggle, as the details aren’t relevant to what I want to say…. My whole life I have gone through struggles. I’ve never been one of the “lucky ones” who just seems to get the easy side of things. Nothing has ever come easy to me. I’ve gone through pain and heartache more times than I can count. I’ve suffered, ached, grieved, hurt, experienced deep loss, wept. For many, many years of my life I allowed this truth to harden me, to make me cynical and bitter. I lived life like a victim. And one day, about seven years ago, I decided I didn’t want to be a victim anymore. I didn’t want to be defined by my hurts. I decided it was time to take my life back. And to find lessons and strength out of all this pain and struggle. And I have learned many, many things. I h...

It's been two months. Two months of silent grieving. Two months of fighting back tears every time I see a pregnant woman or a newborn. Two months of pretending it didn't happen to me. I wrote this letter hoping it would help my heart heal from this deep loss. To my unborn child:   It was August 18th that I found out you existed. It was that very day that I lost you too. I'm sorry I've been afraid to grieve you, and I've been too scared to talk about you. If I do, it will make this all real instead of the bad dream I pretend it to be. My whole life, for as long as I can remember, I've wanted to be a mom. This deep longing has been placed in my heart by The One who created me. I know with every fiber of my being that I was made for motherhood. And as I have gotten older, that longing has only grown stronger. There were times of doubt and wondering, times where I would cry out to God and ask Him why He would give me this desire if he wasn't going to mak...

It’s been such a long time since I've written a post. I haven’t written for lots of reasons. This year has been filled with lots of ups and downs – more ups that downs :).  I went through a pretty deep depression. I started seeing a counselor. I ran my third half marathon. I almost lost and quit my job twice this year. I traveled west of Chicago for the first time in my life. I've had some of my favorite people move away from Kalamazoo. I learned to better love myself.  I’m learning to let myself off the hook and not be so hard on myself. I fell in love for the first time. I came across the article below by Mike Iamele and wished that I had been eloquent enough to write it. The author’s words/heart/thoughts articulate my feelings on love so very well. And as I have walked through my relationship with Dave over these past fourteen months, I have learned I used to believe in a fairy tale. But now I know better. I know that real love is so much better than a fairy tale versi...

I love this phrase: "I don't know what I don't know until I know what I didn't know." I find it very clever and cute and so very true. There are so many aspects of my life I can apply this to. It happens almost daily at work. When you work with people, things are always popping up and changing. In regards to my weight loss, there have been so many surprises along the way - amazing things that took me off guard because I simply didn't know. And this has also been true in relationships. How often is there unintentional conflict because we are operating off assumptions or past experiences? I would say, often. And we make assumptions and project the past into our relationships because we simply don't know, until we do. It then becomes this sort of epiphany, we are in awe, pleasantly surprised, and often this light bulb goes off for us. It always makes me happy when I learn something that I didn't know that I didn't know because it makes me less ignora...

WARNING: This is an unfiltered post. I normally write out my posts on paper and sensor and edit myself a little bit before I post to this lovely little blog. But I'm feeling like I just need to get some things off my chest to reduce the anxiety I'm feeling today. So please read with caution and understand that these are my authentic feelings in this particular moment. This is my current truth (my current truth changes all of the time! lol). I haven't lost weight in four weeks. FOUR weeks. And I know my Facebook status today said that I'm frustrated but okay with that. But if I'm being honest, I'm so not okay with that. And I'm not okay with that for so many reasons. I bust my ass in the gym and out on the streets. I run hard, even when I don't want to! I ran more than twenty miles last week. I ran a nine minute mile last week! I've been pushing myself harder and longer than ever before. My eating hasn't been 100%, but I've been good. I eat ...

Today marks one year since I started Operation Healthy Stacie. It has been a ride, that's for sure. I can't believe it was 365 days ago that this journey began. On day one, I weighted 269 pounds (twenty pounds lighter than my heaviest weight in 2006). On day one I was lost, broken, afraid and full of doubt. But somewhere in me there was this tiny glimmer of hope - hope for something more, different, new in my life. And so I began this journey believing that it was going to be about losing weight and being healthy. (See the youtube video I posted on day one:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o8Zn4RpsFLk ) I had the goal to lost 89 pounds in one year so that I could be a healthy mom some day and to meet my husband (believing no man could love me at 269). The first six months of my journey were quite exciting. The weight seemed to melt off and I hit every goal I set before I needed to. This gave me confidence in myself and helped me to push myself to do more in the gym. I lost fif...

Hi. My name is Stacie Brown and I am an emotional eater. For the past forty-six weeks I have been working toward Operation Healthy Stacie. For forty-six weeks I have been counting calories, working out, running, running and running some more. I have been battling internal demons, working on my relationship with food and my relationship with myself. I have had great successes along the way. I met my first two goals in the first six months before I was suppose to meet them. I trained for and completed a half marathon and beat my goal time by four minutes. I cleaned out my closet because I can't wear most of my clothes anymore and got rid of over 100 articles of clothing. I've gotten stronger, more toned, built up my endurance. I can do things with my body that I've never been able to do before. I like myself more and am happier more often than I ever was before. I have felt sexy for the first time in my life. I fit into a size large for the first time. I've also had s...

Have you ever done something or wanted something you just knew wasn't good for you? You see it and just know deep down that it's bad for you and is going to hurt you, but you do it anyway because in the immediate it feels good and meeting a need in your life that is lacking? No?!?! Well, me either! Just kidding. This is something I struggle with all the time, EVERY day. Whether it's eating or drinking something I know I shouldn't or sleeping in instead of going to the gym or watching TV shows instead of reading or praying or journaling or doing something active. Or talking to someone I shouldn't be. Or giving my heart to a man who has no business having it in the first place.... And I wonder what it is about me that I do this so often. Why haven't I learned my lesson? Why do I have this struggle? How many times will I have to have regret for doing something I knew was a bad choice from the start? Because even before I do it, my head tells me I shouldn't. M...

Well, I’ve made it to the six month mark in Operation Healthy Stacie. Six months! I can’t believe it’s been six months already! Most of the time it feels like I just started this journey. Though there are occasional days where I feel like I’ve been working at this forever! My goal was to lose forty-five pounds by February 1 st (halfway). Well, I lost that PLUS five more pounds! I have lost fifty pounds in six months! That is crazy to me! And after doing my all over measurements, I have lost a total of forty inches! For the first time I can ever remember, I’m in the 210’s. I really have no idea the last time I was this light – middle school maybe? For the first time I can wear tall, sexy boots (my calves were too big before). I went out and bought my first pair of skinny jeans. Ha! I never thought that would happen. And I’m starting to finally see the changes in my body. I’ve felt more energized and stronger for many months. But I haven’t been able to notice my body getting small...

Well, 2012 has come to a close. It has been a year of really wonderful peaks and very dark and sad valleys. This year was very challenging for me both personally and professionally. I’ve been more stressed and depressed in the past twelve months than I ever have been in my life. I have had moments where I have lost hope in everything, moments where I couldn’t get out of bed, moments where the only thing I knew to do was cry…I’ve had moments of joy, pride and celebration. I’ve done and said things this year that I never thought possible. I’ve built relationships with some amazing people. I’ve pushed myself beyond what I thought I was capable of….I decided to make a list of the good, bad and ugly of 2012. THE GOOD ·          Celebrated my fifth year at BBBS and worked with hundreds of amazing kids & volunteers ·          Lost FORTY pounds ·          Start...