Beauty From Ashes

So I as I sit in front of my computer today, I am completely distracted. My heart is filled with sadness, sadness for a friend who lost her father this morning. My heart is just breaking for her and her mom and her sister and all those who loved her dad. I find myself fighting off the tears and just thinking a lot about life and death and heaven. And I keep wondering how my friend is doing and wondering what I should be doing as her friend and can’t help but feel totally helpless in this situation. I don’t know what it’s like to lose a parent, but I can imagine that it’s one of the worst feelings I will experience in my lifetime. I keep thinking about dying and I imagine my own death some day and wonder what people will say about me when I go. If I were to die tomorrow, would I leave this world having left any kind of mark? Who would come to my funeral? What would be my legacy? Would the fact that I have lived for thirty-three years on this earth really even matter? I don’t know. I k...

I have really been in a struggle lately. Struggling not in loving myself, but in tolerating myself. I feel like I'm going backward. I worked so hard to get where I was and in a matter of eight months, I undid what it took me two YEARS to do. How does that happen? I'm not really sure. I know it started with feeling stuck. I had hit a plateau with my weight, the same plateau I always hit when I have lost weight in the past. And I got really frustrated with busting my ass at the gym and denying myself foods I really wanted to eat and not seeing any results. Couple that with stress at work, quitting my half-marathon training and being disappointed in myself, and losing my best friend and biggest supporter for no known reason. All of that lead to me giving up on myself. Allowing myself to choose sleep over the gym. Eat Taco Bell instead of a salad for dinner. Sit on the couch in my pajamas instead of going for a run. And now I am 24 pounds heavier than I was at the start of 2011. I ...

So, it’s been a week since my lunch date and I’ve heard nothing from CB. That leads me to believe I’ve been dealt the friend card yet again. Awesome. I’ll be honest, I’m filled with a mix of emotions. Part of me is pissed! He couldn’t even bother to let me down easy? Nope, he chose to be a coward and just not say anything. That’s pretty crappy, especially because I was super vulnerable and put myself out there with him one hundred percent. And that makes me want to punch him in the gut and tell him to get over himself and to be a man. (Don’t worry, I won’t really act on that thought.) Part of me, most of me actually, is devastated (but I’m trying to hold it together). My last post was so authentic to how I feel about CB. I really did feel so confident that he was my husband, that this was going to be the beginning of our future together. There were so many things that have happened over the last six months that lead me to believe that God has his hand in this and that I was finally fin...

Warning: This is probably the most honest and uncensored post I have written to date. Read at your own risk and withhold judgement:) I just love this song - Adele's One & Only. Click here for the lyrics: http://www.metrolyrics.com/one-and-only-lyrics-adele.html This song gives me chills and makes me tear up every time I hear it. The lyrics (and Adele's voice) are so haunting. And when I hear this song, I'm imagining I'm singing it to two people. The first person I imagine singing it to is CB. This song encompasses my feelings for him and the possibilities that could be there with him. I think about him all the time and I close my eyes and envision a future together. I see us happy and in love and doing life together. Having babies and making our own family. I see our wedding and walking down the isle toward him, reading my vows and crying tears of joy that I've finally found him. I imagine kissing him passionately and never getting enough of him. I imagine lazy ...

So I've never really been one to take risks. I personally prefer to play it safe and be predictable. That may not be very exciting to a lot of people, but at least I know what to expect and won't get hurt....That has always been my mindset. However, if you never risk, you can miss out on amazing opportunities. And if I have any regrets in my life, it's that I have always played it safe and held back in life for fear of rejection or fear of looking stupid. So I decided to change that! Yesterday was my 33rd birthday {insert jokes about being old here:)}, and I decided to give myself a gift by taking a risk. I almost chickened out. But because I know myself, I shared my plan to take a risk with some of my close friends. I knew I would have to do it because they would ask me about it later and I didn't want to have to tell them that I was too afraid to do it. So I did it. I put myself out there. I made myself vulnerable. I risked rejection and looking stupid. I was so nerv...

Fraud is defined as deceit, trickery, sham, poser, faker, impostor, misrepresentation, reckless disregard of the truth. I am a fraud. I walk around letting people think I have everything together. I go to the gym. I ran a half marathon. I lost sixty pounds. I walk around acting like I've figured this whole thing out and have conquered my battle with food. I even go so far as to get a big ass tattoo that covers my entire thigh and talk all this game about how it represents starting over and a new me and blah, blah, blah. All of that is a lie! Since January 2011 I have gained seventeen pounds. I am a foodie and have an unhealthy relationship with food. When I'm sad or angry or stressed, I turn to food. And this year has been really stressful. Work has been insane and very emotionally draining. I lost my best friend. I am still single with a deep longing to be married. I feel stuck - like my life is a holding pattern. I feel very isolated. So I turn to food. I eat fast food. I eat...

Has something ever happened to you - something small, insignificant - to make you giddy? It's a feeling that you carry with you throughout the day. It makes you feel like you're walking on air, that you're invincible, and you have this grin on your face that you can't seem to wipe off. Everything just seems to be better. Well, that just happened to me today! All because he smiled at me and waved when he saw me this morning....I think I'll be floating on this moment for a couple days:)