Beauty From Ashes

It's been two months. Two months of silent grieving. Two months of fighting back tears every time I see a pregnant woman or a newborn. Two months of pretending it didn't happen to me. I wrote this letter hoping it would help my heart heal from this deep loss. To my unborn child:   It was August 18th that I found out you existed. It was that very day that I lost you too. I'm sorry I've been afraid to grieve you, and I've been too scared to talk about you. If I do, it will make this all real instead of the bad dream I pretend it to be. My whole life, for as long as I can remember, I've wanted to be a mom. This deep longing has been placed in my heart by The One who created me. I know with every fiber of my being that I was made for motherhood. And as I have gotten older, that longing has only grown stronger. There were times of doubt and wondering, times where I would cry out to God and ask Him why He would give me this desire if he wasn't going to mak...

It’s been such a long time since I've written a post. I haven’t written for lots of reasons. This year has been filled with lots of ups and downs – more ups that downs :).  I went through a pretty deep depression. I started seeing a counselor. I ran my third half marathon. I almost lost and quit my job twice this year. I traveled west of Chicago for the first time in my life. I've had some of my favorite people move away from Kalamazoo. I learned to better love myself.  I’m learning to let myself off the hook and not be so hard on myself. I fell in love for the first time. I came across the article below by Mike Iamele and wished that I had been eloquent enough to write it. The author’s words/heart/thoughts articulate my feelings on love so very well. And as I have walked through my relationship with Dave over these past fourteen months, I have learned I used to believe in a fairy tale. But now I know better. I know that real love is so much better than a fairy tale versi...

I love this phrase: "I don't know what I don't know until I know what I didn't know." I find it very clever and cute and so very true. There are so many aspects of my life I can apply this to. It happens almost daily at work. When you work with people, things are always popping up and changing. In regards to my weight loss, there have been so many surprises along the way - amazing things that took me off guard because I simply didn't know. And this has also been true in relationships. How often is there unintentional conflict because we are operating off assumptions or past experiences? I would say, often. And we make assumptions and project the past into our relationships because we simply don't know, until we do. It then becomes this sort of epiphany, we are in awe, pleasantly surprised, and often this light bulb goes off for us. It always makes me happy when I learn something that I didn't know that I didn't know because it makes me less ignora...

WARNING: This is an unfiltered post. I normally write out my posts on paper and sensor and edit myself a little bit before I post to this lovely little blog. But I'm feeling like I just need to get some things off my chest to reduce the anxiety I'm feeling today. So please read with caution and understand that these are my authentic feelings in this particular moment. This is my current truth (my current truth changes all of the time! lol). I haven't lost weight in four weeks. FOUR weeks. And I know my Facebook status today said that I'm frustrated but okay with that. But if I'm being honest, I'm so not okay with that. And I'm not okay with that for so many reasons. I bust my ass in the gym and out on the streets. I run hard, even when I don't want to! I ran more than twenty miles last week. I ran a nine minute mile last week! I've been pushing myself harder and longer than ever before. My eating hasn't been 100%, but I've been good. I eat ...

Today marks one year since I started Operation Healthy Stacie. It has been a ride, that's for sure. I can't believe it was 365 days ago that this journey began. On day one, I weighted 269 pounds (twenty pounds lighter than my heaviest weight in 2006). On day one I was lost, broken, afraid and full of doubt. But somewhere in me there was this tiny glimmer of hope - hope for something more, different, new in my life. And so I began this journey believing that it was going to be about losing weight and being healthy. (See the youtube video I posted on day one:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o8Zn4RpsFLk ) I had the goal to lost 89 pounds in one year so that I could be a healthy mom some day and to meet my husband (believing no man could love me at 269). The first six months of my journey were quite exciting. The weight seemed to melt off and I hit every goal I set before I needed to. This gave me confidence in myself and helped me to push myself to do more in the gym. I lost fif...

Hi. My name is Stacie Brown and I am an emotional eater. For the past forty-six weeks I have been working toward Operation Healthy Stacie. For forty-six weeks I have been counting calories, working out, running, running and running some more. I have been battling internal demons, working on my relationship with food and my relationship with myself. I have had great successes along the way. I met my first two goals in the first six months before I was suppose to meet them. I trained for and completed a half marathon and beat my goal time by four minutes. I cleaned out my closet because I can't wear most of my clothes anymore and got rid of over 100 articles of clothing. I've gotten stronger, more toned, built up my endurance. I can do things with my body that I've never been able to do before. I like myself more and am happier more often than I ever was before. I have felt sexy for the first time in my life. I fit into a size large for the first time. I've also had s...

Have you ever done something or wanted something you just knew wasn't good for you? You see it and just know deep down that it's bad for you and is going to hurt you, but you do it anyway because in the immediate it feels good and meeting a need in your life that is lacking? No?!?! Well, me either! Just kidding. This is something I struggle with all the time, EVERY day. Whether it's eating or drinking something I know I shouldn't or sleeping in instead of going to the gym or watching TV shows instead of reading or praying or journaling or doing something active. Or talking to someone I shouldn't be. Or giving my heart to a man who has no business having it in the first place.... And I wonder what it is about me that I do this so often. Why haven't I learned my lesson? Why do I have this struggle? How many times will I have to have regret for doing something I knew was a bad choice from the start? Because even before I do it, my head tells me I shouldn't. M...