Friday, April 20, 2012

Invisibility Cloak

Okay, so I'm really struggling with being seen. Or I guess I should say, I'm struggling with the fact that I feel like no one sees me. And what's ironic is, the heavier I get, the more invisible I feel. I'm a big girl and take up more space than the average person, so I know people see me, they have to, right?! But often times I feel like I've unknowingly put on an invisibility cloak. I mean, I'll go into a store or church or any crowded place and get bumped into, pushed, stepped on, walked right in front of, over looked. There are times where I'll even speak and no one hears me. And at times, I'll make myself known, put myself out there, risk, and receive nothing in return - silent rejection. WTF?!?! What is it about me that this happens? What am I doing or not doing to allow others to see me as invisible? I have to wonder how invisible I would feel if I were thin. I also wonder if there are other overweight women who feel invisible like I do. Is it about my weight or is it about something else? I'm not sure.

I do know that I, like everyone else, desire deeply to be known/loved/seen. I want someone to know all of me - the good, the bad and the ugly and then choose to love me anyway. I want to be noticed in a crowded room. And what I want more than anything, is to be picked over all the "thin pretty girls." I want someone to see beyond the surface and see all the amazing qualities I have. I want someone to care enough to get to know me, to take a chance on me.

And I know God loves me, that he sees me, that he knows me (even better than I know myself). He loves me in spite of me. He loves me and sees me even when I push him away and try to hide. He pursues me. He knows my heart, my hurt, my desires. I know this. And most of the time, it's more than head knowledge. But right now, I'm hurt and confused and angry with God. I just feel like he too, doesn't see me or hear me. And I know his word says, "I will never leave you or forsake you." But it feels like he has, like he's left me all alone and doesn't hear my heart or my prayers.

So because I'm not feeling seen by God, I have turned to my old ways. I have gone back to what I know, what's comfortable. I have turned to food and solitude. I have pushed people away, isolated myself so I can't be hurt. And I have dealt with my hurt, my sorrow, my grief by eating and eating some more. I numb myself with food hoping I will stop hurting, but it only makes me feel worse. I have gained a lot of weight and my clothes are really tight and I feel disgusting. And I know I need to do something, to get myself back on track, I know. Most of me wants to. But part of me just wonders why bother. What difference will it make? I will still be where I am now, alone. And I know that that is a lie straight from hell, but for some reason, it's so easy to believe.

So I sit here in front of my computer with tear filled eyes asking for your help. I cannot do this alone. I need to be seen, to be held accountable, to not be left alone in the dark. I am making a commitment. Starting May 1st, I am wiping the slate clean and starting anew. I am going to the gym/working out six days a week. I will no longer eat fast food. I am cutting back the amount of alcohol I consume. I am going to work on my relationships with my friends/coworkers. And I am going to work on my relationship with God. I commit to quiet time every day. And I commit to being at my goal weight of 180 pounds by June 1st, 2013. That's going to be hard work. But I know I can do it. And when I reach my goal weight, I will mark that occasion by getting a tattoo sleeve. So will you hold me accountable? I'm tired of hiding and tired of being invisible. I am declaring that I am seen and I am known.