Thursday, December 15, 2011

Living In The Present

So I as I sit in front of my computer today, I am completely distracted. My heart is filled with sadness, sadness for a friend who lost her father this morning. My heart is just breaking for her and her mom and her sister and all those who loved her dad. I find myself fighting off the tears and just thinking a lot about life and death and heaven. And I keep wondering how my friend is doing and wondering what I should be doing as her friend and can’t help but feel totally helpless in this situation. I don’t know what it’s like to lose a parent, but I can imagine that it’s one of the worst feelings I will experience in my lifetime.

I keep thinking about dying and I imagine my own death some day and wonder what people will say about me when I go. If I were to die tomorrow, would I leave this world having left any kind of mark? Who would come to my funeral? What would be my legacy? Would the fact that I have lived for thirty-three years on this earth really even matter? I don’t know. I know I’m excited to be in heaven one day and have a perfect body and to never battle with depression or issues with food and to be reunited with friends and family who are already there and to spend eternity with Christ and worshiping him. I know heaven will be glorious. However, I’m simply not ready for that day to come. There are so many things I still want to do here on earth. I want to do the things on my bucket list (shave my head, go sky diving, travel to Ireland – just a couple examples). But more than those things, I want to meet my husband. I want to have sex. I want to know real lasting love with someone. I want to give birth to a child. I want to see my niece and nephew grow up into amazing people. I want to love my friends fiercely. I want to write a book. I want to impact the lives of girls who struggle with their self image. I want to leave a legacy bigger than myself and the desires of my heart. And as I sit here, I wonder if any of these things will happen. What does my future hold? Who will be in it?

Tomorrow is not promised. And I find myself longing for tomorrow – for the future. And I don’t know why. Because that means I’m not living in the present fully. I need to be more intentional about being fully present in each moment I have. I need to stop holding back with my love because of fear and love with reckless abandon. I need to make life happen and stop waiting for it to find me. I need to make the most of every day I have so I can say that I have lived a full and complete life and have impacted the lives of others for the better.

“And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears. And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.” ~ Mumford & Sons

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Biggest Loser

I have really been in a struggle lately. Struggling not in loving myself, but in tolerating myself. I feel like I'm going backward. I worked so hard to get where I was and in a matter of eight months, I undid what it took me two YEARS to do. How does that happen? I'm not really sure. I know it started with feeling stuck. I had hit a plateau with my weight, the same plateau I always hit when I have lost weight in the past. And I got really frustrated with busting my ass at the gym and denying myself foods I really wanted to eat and not seeing any results. Couple that with stress at work, quitting my half-marathon training and being disappointed in myself, and losing my best friend and biggest supporter for no known reason. All of that lead to me giving up on myself. Allowing myself to choose sleep over the gym. Eat Taco Bell instead of a salad for dinner. Sit on the couch in my pajamas instead of going for a run. And now I am 24 pounds heavier than I was at the start of 2011. I have one less friend in my life. And I don't really like myself. And I'm not really sure where to go from here or what to do.

The other day my pastor preached a sermon about taking risks and being willing to fail. And that we need to be bold and step out and take risks to become more who God has intended us to be. But what do you do when that happens - when you risk and then fail? What then? I mean, I feel like I'm getting better at this risking thing. But what happens when it doesn't work? What am I suppose to do then? I think that's why I get stuck. I don't know what to do once I fail. So I start to beat myself up and reprimand myself for thinking I might succeed. And I get sad and retreat into what's comfortable, what I know best, eating my emotions and isolating myself. I know that's not healthy or what I should be doing when faced with failure, but what do I do instead?

And then there's this whole CB thing. I think it has solidified for me that in order for me to be married and have kids, I need to lose weight. {I know, I know. You're going to tell me how beautiful I am and if a man can't see that, then he doesn't deserve me. I know.} I've struggled with this concept my whole adult life. I want to be loved for who I am, just the way I am. But is that realistic? Is that fair to ask? Men are visual creatures. They were designed to appreciate beautiful things. And culture (sadly) defines what beauty is. And in America, thin is beautiful. And yes, there are many shapes/sizes on the thin spectrum. But thin is not a word that has EVER described me. So if a man is looking for someone (consciously or not) who is beautiful and healthy and is going tot bear children for him, he would not seek me. I may have a pretty face, but I have learned the hard way, that simply is NOT enough. So as I consider this, I feel like one of two things has to happen. I need to either figure out this weight thing and go full on and lose 100 pounds OR I need to let go of the desire to become a wife and mother. Where I stand, there are no other options.

And I don't know why this is my life's struggle. I don't know why I've been overweight my entire life. I don't know. I do know that I'm tired. I'm tired of the struggle. I'm tired of being overlooked. I'm tired of being judged. I'm tired of hating myself. I'm tired of feeling lost. I'm tired of being stuck in a holding pattern. I'm tired of rejection. I'm tired of knowing there's something more out there. I'm tired of being the girl with a pretty face. I am so very tired...so now what?