Friday, February 8, 2013

Fat Stacie

Well, I’ve made it to the six month mark in Operation Healthy Stacie. Six months! I can’t believe it’s been six months already! Most of the time it feels like I just started this journey. Though there are occasional days where I feel like I’ve been working at this forever!

My goal was to lose forty-five pounds by February 1st (halfway). Well, I lost that PLUS five more pounds! I have lost fifty pounds in six months! That is crazy to me! And after doing my all over measurements, I have lost a total of forty inches! For the first time I can ever remember, I’m in the 210’s. I really have no idea the last time I was this light – middle school maybe? For the first time I can wear tall, sexy boots (my calves were too big before). I went out and bought my first pair of skinny jeans. Ha! I never thought that would happen. And I’m starting to finally see the changes in my body. I’ve felt more energized and stronger for many months. But I haven’t been able to notice my body getting smaller until recently. And I’m noticing the small changes. Others see big changes, but because I stare at my body every day in the mirror (an exercise I started forcing myself to do about a year ago) I don’t see what everyone else sees.

If I’m being honest, I’ve been very frustrated and disappointed with the lack of change in my body. I feel like after fifty pounds and all the ass busting I’ve been doing, my body should look transformed. I should be in a totally different size. And I’m not. Sure my pants are all a bit too big, but they aren’t falling off of me or anything. And this scares me. What if I get to my goal (179) and still feel like I felt at 269? What if my body doesn’t feel different to me? What if I still hate looking at myself naked in the mirror?

My main motivations for doing all of this are: To fall in love with myself and become who I was created to be. To be healthy so I can become a mom someday. Which leads into the third reason, to meet and marry my husband. And right now, I’m really just scared that none of those are going to happen for me. I’m afraid that I’m going to lose all this weight and I’m still not going to love myself. I’m still going to feel lost about who I am. And as a result, I won’t find love or become a mom. And the thought of that is terrifying.

I’ve also been struggling with being noticed. People (women) are commenting on my changing body – in a positive way – and it’s unsettling. I’ve never had people take positive notice of my body. It’s very strange. And I’m not doing all of this to be noticed or anything like that, so it feels strange to get that sort of attention. And it also makes me question what people thought about me and my body fifty pounds ago. And it makes me think that I really don’t want to know what they thought…

There’s also a strange grieving that comes along with this whole journey. Grief of the person I was when I was heavier. Grief of the mask that the extra pounds created. I have been “Fat Stacie” my ENTIRE life. Being fat has been such a huge part of my identity and my life’s journey. And it’s really sad and scary to lose a part of that. And yes, I’m still fat, but I’m changing. I’m more confident, more outspoken, laugh more freely and am walking taller. And yes, these are good changes, I know that. But I have always been able to hide behind my weight. I’ve used it as a reason to not do things. I’ve used it as an excuse for so many things. I’ve believed that being “Fat Stacie” is the reason I’m single. And so as I become less fat, I’m afraid that once I’m just Stacie, all the things I have blamed on being fat will still be issues. And what then?!?! I just feel very exposed as I lose weight – naked, vulnerable. And that’s scary. I knew this was going to be an emotional journey but I didn’t realize the depth of how much this would really rock me to the core. To make me question who I am and what I believe about myself and life.

I really am excited about this journey and where it’s going to take me. I’m just at a place where the process it’s messy and scary. And I’m choosing to believe that out of the messy parts, something beautiful and freeing will come in the end!