Wednesday, August 28, 2013

The Difference A Pound Makes

WARNING: This is an unfiltered post. I normally write out my posts on paper and sensor and edit myself a little bit before I post to this lovely little blog. But I'm feeling like I just need to get some things off my chest to reduce the anxiety I'm feeling today. So please read with caution and understand that these are my authentic feelings in this particular moment. This is my current truth (my current truth changes all of the time! lol).

I haven't lost weight in four weeks. FOUR weeks. And I know my Facebook status today said that I'm frustrated but okay with that. But if I'm being honest, I'm so not okay with that. And I'm not okay with that for so many reasons. I bust my ass in the gym and out on the streets. I run hard, even when I don't want to! I ran more than twenty miles last week. I ran a nine minute mile last week! I've been pushing myself harder and longer than ever before. My eating hasn't been 100%, but I've been good. I eat salad instead of fries. I drink a shake instead of pizza when all my co-workers order pizza. I don't eat after 8:00pm. I am doing what I should be doing. And yet the fucking scale doesn't move! It continues to flash 200 in my face and laugh. It's so frustrating. I want so badly to be in the 100's. I don't know if there are words to describe how much I desire to no longer weigh two-hundred something.

There's something that seems to freeing to me about being in the 100's. I honestly can't think of the last time I weighted less than 200 pounds. Probably fourth or fifth grade (about 25 years ago!). And I get that this journey is SOOOOO much more than about the number on the scale. I do. But this is a milestone I've been desperate to achieve for so very long. And for someone who's never been in the 200's, I'm sure this sounds crazy, irrational even. But there has been so much attached to being over 200 pounds. For me, there's been so much embarrassment and shame attached to that number. It's something that has caused people to judge me and make assumptions about me and my lifestyle. For years, I allowed that number to define me and restrict the way I lived my life. I couldn't be an athlete at that weight. I couldn't ride roller coasters. Fly on an airplane. Go skydiving or zip lining. Do jumping jacks or lots of other exercises for that matter. Wear certain types of clothing comfortably. Buy fashionable clothes that don't cost a lot of money. I've allowed my weight to restrict my world, but the world has naturally done some of that restricting itself. And I know that when I am finally in the 100's, it won't be like magic. I know it won't cure my insecurities or peoples judgments about me. But what it will do is give me a huge boost in my self-worth. I know I will hold my head higher, swish my hips a little harder, laugh a little louder, be a little bolder. And it will just be an outward symbol of all the hard work I've been putting in. It's like a built in reward.

And I really do appreciate everyone's encouragement and kind words. I really do. Often, those words help me feel supported and accounted for. There are times though, where I feel frustrated with people's words. I understand that muscle weighs more than fat. I understand I have lost inches and that it's not just about the pounds. I get that I need to change up my exercises and eat the right number of calories a day. I get it AND I'm still super frustrated and disappointed that the scale isn't moving. And I'm not trying so sound ungrateful at all. People's support means a lot to me. It just sometimes feels like I'm not allowed to have a bad day or ill feelings about this process. And unfortunately, I'm human and that means I'm not perfect and I'm going to have bad days where I feel like I still weigh 269 pounds and feel gross and don't like myself. Those days don't happen often, but they do happen.

Most days I feel pretty. I look in the mirror and am happy/proud of what I see. I use the word sexy to describe myself - something I've never done in all of my life. I love my legs and my neck line and my wrists. I love that my dimples pop more. I love that I can shop in the "normal" sized sections at stores. I love that most days I'm confident in my skin. And most of all, I love that when the man in my life compliments me, I believe him! That is something I've never been able to do, ever. And for the sake of our relationship and it's future, I'm so very glad I can honestly say that I believe him when he says I'm beautiful or that he loves my body exactly the way it is.

All of this to say - I'm having a bad day. I feel sad, angry, frustrated, disappointed, discouraged as a result of this morning's weigh-in. But that's just how I feel in this moment. Tomorrow is a new day.