Thursday, November 17, 2011

Unrequited Love

So, it’s been a week since my lunch date and I’ve heard nothing from CB. That leads me to believe I’ve been dealt the friend card yet again. Awesome.

I’ll be honest, I’m filled with a mix of emotions. Part of me is pissed! He couldn’t even bother to let me down easy? Nope, he chose to be a coward and just not say anything. That’s pretty crappy, especially because I was super vulnerable and put myself out there with him one hundred percent. And that makes me want to punch him in the gut and tell him to get over himself and to be a man. (Don’t worry, I won’t really act on that thought.)

Part of me, most of me actually, is devastated (but I’m trying to hold it together). My last post was so authentic to how I feel about CB. I really did feel so confident that he was my husband, that this was going to be the beginning of our future together. There were so many things that have happened over the last six months that lead me to believe that God has his hand in this and that I was finally finding my husband. And so I went all in – more so than I ever have with any man before. I allowed myself to hope and dream of what our future would be like. I let my heart long for him. And I was filled with so much joy each time I thought about him. I was giddy. And took a huge risk and leap of faith by putting myself out there and making the first move. So I went into lunch confident, confident that we would have a great time, that he would see what an amazing woman I am and how great we would be together. And lunch was wonderful. We laughed our asses off. We talked about all sorts of things and learned we have so much in common, both in our interests and in where we come from and want to go.

There was one strange moment at lunch, however. And I chose to let it go and not analyze it to death like the old Stacie would do. But now that it’s been a week with no call/text/email, I think my gut instinct was right….Here’s what happened. We were talking about church and being single and dating and he proceeded to tell me about a girl (who I know quite well) he was interested in not too long ago, and he was attempting to get a mutual friend to put in a good word for him. When that person did, this girl didn’t respond well and left CB with a bad taste in his mouth….And as he was telling me this, I thought, “Hmm, this doesn’t really seem like something you’d share on a first date, but maybe he’s just really comfortable with me.” But now, I think that was the moment the friend card was played. Shit. {insert tears here} And what’s even more devastating is I know this girl and she and I are very similar in A LOT of ways. But there’s one very big difference, she’s probably 140 pounds thinner than me. Awesome.

This makes me feel so very foolish. Foolish that I ever thought a man like him could ever fall in love with a woman like me. Foolish that I think that any man for that matter could fall in love with me while I weigh 250 pounds. Foolish that I went out and bought a new outfit to wear to lunch. Foolish for the hope and joy I felt. Foolish for taking my heart off the shelf. Foolish for asking him out. Foolish for being so confident. And so very foolish for telling so many people about it and having to now tell everyone I was wrong.

This quote from The Holiday, sums it all up for me:

“I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. Yes, you are looking at one such individual.”

So now, I get to put my big girl pants on, admit defeat and go about business as usual with this man. I am not sure how I am going to do this. Right now it seems impossible with how broken I feel, but there really is no other alternative.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

One & Only

Warning: This is probably the most honest and uncensored post I have written to date. Read at your own risk and withhold judgement:)

I just love this song - Adele's One & Only. Click here for the lyrics:

This song gives me chills and makes me tear up every time I hear it. The lyrics (and Adele's voice) are so haunting. And when I hear this song, I'm imagining I'm singing it to two people. The first person I imagine singing it to is CB. This song encompasses my feelings for him and the possibilities that could be there with him. I think about him all the time and I close my eyes and envision a future together. I see us happy and in love and doing life together. Having babies and making our own family. I see our wedding and walking down the isle toward him, reading my vows and crying tears of joy that I've finally found him. I imagine kissing him passionately and never getting enough of him. I imagine lazy Saturday nights snuggled up on the couch together. I imagine adventures with each other and pushing one another to try and do things we didn't think possible. And when I think about him and our future together, I know he's the one I want to be with forever. And it makes me laugh because I've known him for more than a decade & don't know why I've never "seen" him before. God's timing is not our own, that's for sure! And I wonder what he's thinking about me/us all the time. Does he sit and wonder about me like I do him? Does he see a future?

But with all of this hope and promise and possibility - there's some lingering fear and doubt that creeps in. What if I'm jumping in and he doesn't like me? What if he's not attracted to me? What if he just wants to be friends? What if all I wind up getting out of this is a broken heart? What if he finds the idea of being with me ridiculous? What if this all blows up in my face? Am I strong enough for that?

The other person I imagine I am singing this to is me...I just love the line, "I know it ain't easy giving up your heart." That just seems to be the story of my life. I have been so heart broken so many times that it makes it so very difficult, almost impossible, to put myself out there ever again. I imagine my heart like this piggy bank I have. My great-grandma Parker got it for me when I was a baby. It's a cute girl pig who plays tennis:). She's been broken several times and then glues back together. So she's VERY fragile now. She can no longer be used for what she was created to do. She now sits on display, empty, scarred, fragile, and patched up. She's still a cute little piggy bank, but because she was broken one too many times, she's forever changed and now just sits on a shelf in my apartment collecting dust...This is my heart. I was too careless with my heart when I was younger and gave it to whoever I felt deserved it at the time. And they didn't protect it, but instead dropped it, bruised it, cracked it, and eventually broke it. And every time, I've eventually pulled myself up by my bootstraps and mended my heart so I could give it to someone else. This self-destructive cycle started in fourth grade with Aaron Lewis and ended three years ago. It was then that I realized my heart was severely damaged, too fragile and needed to be placed on a shelf and not used. So that's what I did. I put up walls to protect my heart from being broken again. I promised myself I wouldn't let anyone else in because if I did, I didn't know if I would survive being hurt and heart broken one more time. My heart has been so damaged and scarred because of the way I have so flippantly given it away, I just knew it couldn't take another person breaking it. So like my piggy bank, it's been sitting high up on a shelf where no one can break it, just collecting dust...

But I forgot heart is not made of ceramic or glass. It's a living thing, which means it can be HEALED! It can be restored and renewed! And can be used again for it's original intent - to love and be loved. So over these last three years, my heart has been healing itself and being made new. There will always be scars there, but I'm glad for that. They remind me of where I've come from and what I never want to do again. They remind me that I'm human and make mistakes. And thanks to grace and mercy, I get to try again! And because God's timing is perfect, as my heart is healed and restored, a man comes into my life. A man who is truly worthy of my love. A man of God who possesses all the qualities of the man I hope to one day marry.

I can't help but laugh and cry at this reality. I've been searching and waiting for my entire adult life for what seems to be before me. And I can hardly believe it's here! But God is a God who fulfills His promises. And five and a half years ago, He promised me I would be married. It may not have been fulfilled as quickly as I would have liked, but with all of my heart, I believe this is it! So as scary and difficult as it is, I'm giving up my heart and putting myself out there to love and be loved. And hopefully tomorrow afternoon is the start of a bright and beautiful chapter of my life - filled with love and risk and joy and companionship. So I sit here overflowing with gratefulness - gratefulness for restoration and kept promises!

"You are so good to me. You heal my broken heart. You are my Father in heaven."