Beauty From Ashes

So, I've completed the first ninety days of Operation Healthy Stacie. These past ninety days have flown by! I can't believe it's been three months since I decided, once and for all, to get fit & healthy. I have dieted and worked out on and off since middle school. And nothing has ever really worked. I've never liked being overweight - ever. It's actually brought a lot of pain and heartache to my life and has really held me back. Bit in spite of how difficult and painful it's been to be overweight, my love of food and my battle with emotional eating has always won out. Up until now that is! For the first time in my life, I'm choosing real joy, real sadness, real emotions, real life instead of dulling the pain with food or alcohol. For the first time, I see food as fuel. For the first time I see myself as an athlete and see working out as a part of my daily routine, not a pain in the ass. I actually find working out to be fun. :) For the first time in my

Here are some of my thoughts on my body, on love and on life... My Body I am learning that I am a work in progress and that includes my body. Just a few months ago, I wouldn't have had anything kind to says in regards to my body. But over the past three months, I am learning to have a different perspective. I like my eyes (most people say they are my best feature), my smile, my teeth, my dimples, my wrists, my collarbone, and my legs. I love how strong my legs are and how they are curvy and voluptuous  strong and getting more toned each week. They helped me run a half marathon. They help me get out my nervous energy by bouncing when I sit :). They take me everywhere I go. They look good in a dress. And my left thigh hosts the most amazing piece of art I've ever seen - my phoenix - that reminds me that I am a new creation! And I don't have to be who I've always been or who others have told me I am or believe what I've always believed. I am new everyday and I get t

So it's been a little over a month since my friend Jim passed away. I still find it hard to believe that he's gone and is never coming back. I've lost people in my life before, but never anyone that I loved and treasured as much as Jim. Grief is a strange thing. There are days where I feel "normal" all day long. There are days where all I want to do is cry and lay in my bed. There are days where the grief just sneaks up on me out of nowhere and all of the sudden I am sobbing or angry at the world or both. And then there are the days that I just feel completely numb, void of any emotions at all. These days scare me the most, as I don't like not feeling. I've been totally exhausted too and have been falling asleep on the couch (something I never do) and having a really difficult time getting out of bed. I wonder how long grief is going to have its hold on me. Last week Tuesday, I went for my morning run around my complex and got about fifteen minutes in an

On Sunday, September 9, 2012 at 1:00am this world lost an amazing man. My dear friend, Jim lost his battle with cancer. He has left behind his wife, Cindy and his three children: Vicky (20), Jimmy (turning 18 tomorrow) and Derrick (10). And he has left a void in this world. I really can't believe he's gone. Part of me expects to walk into his shop next Friday and be greeted with a "Staaaaacie Brown! How are you?!?!" and a loud belly laugh from the both of us. It breaks my hear that that will never happen again. I have moments where I'm fine, where I put aside my grief and can laugh and be present in the moment. And I have moments where all I can do is weep, weep for my friend who is no longer with us and for his wife and kids. He will never see Vicky get married. He will never see the boys graduate from high school. He will never meet his grandchildren. Cindy has lost her best friend. Jim and Cindy did EVERYTHING together. They were together at all times, working

So I've been going to a class at the gym for two plus years called Cardio Sculpt; it's a mix of cardio and weight training. It's a fantastic class and made up of some amazing people. I've made some great friends in this class and built in accountability as well :). This class has kicked my ass three days a week - EVERY single time. It never gets easier. It's intense and somehow fun (crazy, I know!). I have seen a lot of personal growth in my strength and endurance since I started the class. My form is better, I'm lifting heavier weights, pushing through the uncomfortable stage more and more. But the one thing that has always been tough for me is that I'm always last! And when I says always, that's not an exaggeration. We go out on the indoor track and run a set number of laps, and I'm always the last person to finish running. And some days it doesn't bother me to be last, but some days it really upsets me. And I have this internal conversation ab

Okay, so I'm really struggling with being seen. Or I guess I should say, I'm struggling with the fact that I feel like no one sees me. And what's ironic is, the heavier I get, the more invisible I feel. I'm a big girl and take up more space than the average person, so I know people see me, they have to, right?! But often times I feel like I've unknowingly put on an invisibility cloak. I mean, I'll go into a store or church or any crowded place and get bumped into, pushed, stepped on, walked right in front of, over looked. There are times where I'll even speak and no one hears me. And at times, I'll make myself known, put myself out there, risk, and receive nothing in return - silent rejection. WTF?!?! What is it about me that this happens? What am I doing or not doing to allow others to see me as invisible? I have to wonder how invisible I would feel if I were thin. I also wonder if there are other overweight women who feel invisible like I do. Is it abo

Confidence is defined as being certain; belief in oneself and one's powers or abilities. Where does confidence come from? Why is it some people have it and some people don't? And why do some people have A LOT of it? I went out for drinks with a couple friends tonight and as I observed the room, that's what I noticed. There were women in the room who were full of confidence. They talked to others - strangers even - with boldness and were totally sure of who they were. They flirted with men with great ease. They knew who they were and were certain of who they are and what they have to offer. I was in awe as I observed this. And if I'm being honest - pretty envious. I wish I were like that. I am so much more confident than I was a couple years ago. I really have come a long way. But comparatively, I have a long friggin way to go! I want to be able to look at an attractive man and believe that I can flirt with him and he won't be disgusted by it. I want to be able to g