Have you ever done something or wanted something you just knew wasn't good for you? You see it and just know deep down that it's bad for you and is going to hurt you, but you do it anyway because in the immediate it feels good and meeting a need in your life that is lacking? No?!?! Well, me either! Just kidding. This is something I struggle with all the time, EVERY day. Whether it's eating or drinking something I know I shouldn't or sleeping in instead of going to the gym or watching TV shows instead of reading or praying or journaling or doing something active. Or talking to someone I shouldn't be. Or giving my heart to a man who has no business having it in the first place....
And I wonder what it is about me that I do this so often. Why haven't I learned my lesson? Why do I have this struggle? How many times will I have to have regret for doing something I knew was a bad choice from the start? Because even before I do it, my head tells me I shouldn't. My logic kicks in and tells me it's a bad idea and that there will be consequences if I proceed. BUT MY HEART....Damn my heart!!! My heart has other ideas. My hear rationalizes it and tells me it will make me feel better, that I deserve it, that will power doesn't exist, that I can because I exercised, that it won't hurt me, that I need to live on the edge a little and not be so cautious, that I better take what I can get because there may not be a better offer.
I'm not sure I have an answer as to why I do this to myself or why my heart leads me astray. I think it probably has a lot to do with my self worth and how I see myself and value myself. And I think because I often struggle with loving myself well I sabotage myself and make choices I know are not good for me because I think I'm going to fail anyway or that I deserve to be unhappy. And it makes me sad that I do that to myself. I know in my head that I am beautiful and amazing and strong and that I deserve the best and deserve joy and happiness. But it's one thing to know that in your head and it's another thing to believe it with your heart. And I'm not there yet...But I'm working on it.
I did something really big and scary for me a couple weeks ago. And in order to protect the other person involved, I can't and won't go into details. I will say that eight months ago I gave my heart to a man I had no business giving it away to. He is not God's best for me. He is not someone who is in a position to love me well. But I gave him my heart because he made me feel special, beautiful, valued. And I thought that he was as good as it was ever going to get for me, that I needed to take what I could get when I could get it because this may be all I was going to be given. So I dove right in and loved him and loved him hard. And loving him only caused me pain and heartache in the end. And it took me eight months to realize that I am worth so much more than what he could give me. So a couple weeks ago, I mustered up every ounce of courage I had and I ended it. I said goodbye and I took my heart back from him. And man, that was rough and the last few weeks have been rough. I miss him. He hurt me and my heart is left with some scars that need to heal.
I feel sad that I allowed this to happen. But also thankful for the experience at the same time because I now know that I deserve more than that. I deserve God's best. And I saw what happens when I compromise myself and settle for something less than what He has promised me. And I may have to wait a hell of a lot longer than I want to (already have) for God's perfect timing. But the pain of waiting is nothing compared to the pain of regret when I settle and choose something that is not His best for me. So as I move forward, I am hopeful that God's promise for me is on the horizon and I am worth NOTHING LESS than His best!!!