So it's no secret that I'm about to head into my 33rd year of life, and I am single. I have been single for a LONG ASS time! And it is my deepest desire to be a wife and mother. I don't even know if there are words that can express how much my heart longs for these things. I have faith that one day I will be married and have children with my husband, but I would be lying if I said my faith has never wavered. There are times where I am a "doubting Thomas" for sure.
Watching both of my younger brothers get married made me question whether or not I was destined to be single. And then seeing my brother become a parent twice over, caused that desperation to creep back up inside me. And it seems that everywhere I turn, people are getting married and having babies. And don't get me wrong, I have real joy for them, I really do. But at the same time, I can't help but desire what they have and wonder if I will ever have that for my own life.
When it comes to this area of my life, I feel like Sarah. Sarah had a deep longing to be a mother and as she got older, she felt that it was never going to happen. God promised her she would give birth to a son, but Sarah did not see a way this could possibly happen because her reality was not God's reality. Because Sarah's faith was lacking, she took matters into her own hands and made a mess of everything; all because she didn't trust God and his timing. And I have been doing this in my own life. I have been trying to fulfill God's promise for Him. I have met men who I knew in my heart of hearts were not my husband, but I pushed those feelings aside and ignored the things about them that I knew were not right for me because I want to be married so badly. Thankfully those relationships did not lead to marriage! But I see how I have been dishonoring God by not trusting Him and His word. And I have been spending so much time looking for my husband that I haven't been spending the time to focus on me and make sure that when I finally do meet him, that I am a woman who is in deep relationship with God and have worked out as many of my issues before entering into a marriage as possible (I know, I know, there are a lot!). And even though I never had sex with any of these men, I gave them a piece of my heart. And that is not fair to the man who will be my husband. I want to be able to love him with my whole heart!
So, I am committing to deeper intimacy with Christ. And as I spend time with Him, I will learn more about myself, who I am, and build up that faith muscle. I know, with every fiber of my being, that I was created to be a wife and mother. And I am sure of God's promise for me. I just need to learn to hold fast to the promise and not doubt God and His timing, for it is perfect!
And who knows, maybe by this time next year I will be planning my wedding?!?! God works in mysterious ways ;)