Friday, September 23, 2011

Fraud

Fraud is defined as deceit, trickery, sham, poser, faker, impostor, misrepresentation, reckless disregard of the truth.

I am a fraud.

I walk around letting people think I have everything together. I go to the gym. I ran a half marathon. I lost sixty pounds. I walk around acting like I've figured this whole thing out and have conquered my battle with food. I even go so far as to get a big ass tattoo that covers my entire thigh and talk all this game about how it represents starting over and a new me and blah, blah, blah. All of that is a lie!

Since January 2011 I have gained seventeen pounds.

I am a foodie and have an unhealthy relationship with food. When I'm sad or angry or stressed, I turn to food. And this year has been really stressful. Work has been insane and very emotionally draining. I lost my best friend. I am still single with a deep longing to be married. I feel stuck - like my life is a holding pattern. I feel very isolated. So I turn to food. I eat fast food. I eat junk food. I eat lots of food. I just eat. I eat in secret. I eat brownies. I eat an entire pizza. Ice cream. Pasta. Bread. And it makes me feel better for awhile. I feel satisfied, comforted. But that feeling wears off and I'm left feeling terrible because of what I ate - both physically and emotionally. It's a vicious cycle. And I had a hold on it for awhile and was doing really good. But then I hit a plateau for about six months. I wasn't losing any weight. I was stuck at the same weight I always get stuck at. And I got tired. Tired of restricting myself. Tired of getting up every morning and working my ass off in the gym and not getting any results. Tired of being stressed and feeling all alone. And so I gave in. I started all my old habits back up, but continued to allow people to think I had it all together. But that simply isn't true.

I don't want to be a fraud anymore! My name is Stacie Lynn Brown. I weigh 250 pounds and I have an unhealthy relationship with food.

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