Thursday, November 10, 2011

One & Only

Warning: This is probably the most honest and uncensored post I have written to date. Read at your own risk and withhold judgement:)

I just love this song - Adele's One & Only. Click here for the lyrics:

This song gives me chills and makes me tear up every time I hear it. The lyrics (and Adele's voice) are so haunting. And when I hear this song, I'm imagining I'm singing it to two people. The first person I imagine singing it to is CB. This song encompasses my feelings for him and the possibilities that could be there with him. I think about him all the time and I close my eyes and envision a future together. I see us happy and in love and doing life together. Having babies and making our own family. I see our wedding and walking down the isle toward him, reading my vows and crying tears of joy that I've finally found him. I imagine kissing him passionately and never getting enough of him. I imagine lazy Saturday nights snuggled up on the couch together. I imagine adventures with each other and pushing one another to try and do things we didn't think possible. And when I think about him and our future together, I know he's the one I want to be with forever. And it makes me laugh because I've known him for more than a decade & don't know why I've never "seen" him before. God's timing is not our own, that's for sure! And I wonder what he's thinking about me/us all the time. Does he sit and wonder about me like I do him? Does he see a future?

But with all of this hope and promise and possibility - there's some lingering fear and doubt that creeps in. What if I'm jumping in and he doesn't like me? What if he's not attracted to me? What if he just wants to be friends? What if all I wind up getting out of this is a broken heart? What if he finds the idea of being with me ridiculous? What if this all blows up in my face? Am I strong enough for that?

The other person I imagine I am singing this to is me...I just love the line, "I know it ain't easy giving up your heart." That just seems to be the story of my life. I have been so heart broken so many times that it makes it so very difficult, almost impossible, to put myself out there ever again. I imagine my heart like this piggy bank I have. My great-grandma Parker got it for me when I was a baby. It's a cute girl pig who plays tennis:). She's been broken several times and then glues back together. So she's VERY fragile now. She can no longer be used for what she was created to do. She now sits on display, empty, scarred, fragile, and patched up. She's still a cute little piggy bank, but because she was broken one too many times, she's forever changed and now just sits on a shelf in my apartment collecting dust...This is my heart. I was too careless with my heart when I was younger and gave it to whoever I felt deserved it at the time. And they didn't protect it, but instead dropped it, bruised it, cracked it, and eventually broke it. And every time, I've eventually pulled myself up by my bootstraps and mended my heart so I could give it to someone else. This self-destructive cycle started in fourth grade with Aaron Lewis and ended three years ago. It was then that I realized my heart was severely damaged, too fragile and needed to be placed on a shelf and not used. So that's what I did. I put up walls to protect my heart from being broken again. I promised myself I wouldn't let anyone else in because if I did, I didn't know if I would survive being hurt and heart broken one more time. My heart has been so damaged and scarred because of the way I have so flippantly given it away, I just knew it couldn't take another person breaking it. So like my piggy bank, it's been sitting high up on a shelf where no one can break it, just collecting dust...

But I forgot heart is not made of ceramic or glass. It's a living thing, which means it can be HEALED! It can be restored and renewed! And can be used again for it's original intent - to love and be loved. So over these last three years, my heart has been healing itself and being made new. There will always be scars there, but I'm glad for that. They remind me of where I've come from and what I never want to do again. They remind me that I'm human and make mistakes. And thanks to grace and mercy, I get to try again! And because God's timing is perfect, as my heart is healed and restored, a man comes into my life. A man who is truly worthy of my love. A man of God who possesses all the qualities of the man I hope to one day marry.

I can't help but laugh and cry at this reality. I've been searching and waiting for my entire adult life for what seems to be before me. And I can hardly believe it's here! But God is a God who fulfills His promises. And five and a half years ago, He promised me I would be married. It may not have been fulfilled as quickly as I would have liked, but with all of my heart, I believe this is it! So as scary and difficult as it is, I'm giving up my heart and putting myself out there to love and be loved. And hopefully tomorrow afternoon is the start of a bright and beautiful chapter of my life - filled with love and risk and joy and companionship. So I sit here overflowing with gratefulness - gratefulness for restoration and kept promises!

"You are so good to me. You heal my broken heart. You are my Father in heaven."

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