Thursday, November 17, 2011

Unrequited Love

So, it’s been a week since my lunch date and I’ve heard nothing from CB. That leads me to believe I’ve been dealt the friend card yet again. Awesome.

I’ll be honest, I’m filled with a mix of emotions. Part of me is pissed! He couldn’t even bother to let me down easy? Nope, he chose to be a coward and just not say anything. That’s pretty crappy, especially because I was super vulnerable and put myself out there with him one hundred percent. And that makes me want to punch him in the gut and tell him to get over himself and to be a man. (Don’t worry, I won’t really act on that thought.)

Part of me, most of me actually, is devastated (but I’m trying to hold it together). My last post was so authentic to how I feel about CB. I really did feel so confident that he was my husband, that this was going to be the beginning of our future together. There were so many things that have happened over the last six months that lead me to believe that God has his hand in this and that I was finally finding my husband. And so I went all in – more so than I ever have with any man before. I allowed myself to hope and dream of what our future would be like. I let my heart long for him. And I was filled with so much joy each time I thought about him. I was giddy. And took a huge risk and leap of faith by putting myself out there and making the first move. So I went into lunch confident, confident that we would have a great time, that he would see what an amazing woman I am and how great we would be together. And lunch was wonderful. We laughed our asses off. We talked about all sorts of things and learned we have so much in common, both in our interests and in where we come from and want to go.

There was one strange moment at lunch, however. And I chose to let it go and not analyze it to death like the old Stacie would do. But now that it’s been a week with no call/text/email, I think my gut instinct was right….Here’s what happened. We were talking about church and being single and dating and he proceeded to tell me about a girl (who I know quite well) he was interested in not too long ago, and he was attempting to get a mutual friend to put in a good word for him. When that person did, this girl didn’t respond well and left CB with a bad taste in his mouth….And as he was telling me this, I thought, “Hmm, this doesn’t really seem like something you’d share on a first date, but maybe he’s just really comfortable with me.” But now, I think that was the moment the friend card was played. Shit. {insert tears here} And what’s even more devastating is I know this girl and she and I are very similar in A LOT of ways. But there’s one very big difference, she’s probably 140 pounds thinner than me. Awesome.

This makes me feel so very foolish. Foolish that I ever thought a man like him could ever fall in love with a woman like me. Foolish that I think that any man for that matter could fall in love with me while I weigh 250 pounds. Foolish that I went out and bought a new outfit to wear to lunch. Foolish for the hope and joy I felt. Foolish for taking my heart off the shelf. Foolish for asking him out. Foolish for being so confident. And so very foolish for telling so many people about it and having to now tell everyone I was wrong.

This quote from The Holiday, sums it all up for me:

“I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. Yes, you are looking at one such individual.”

So now, I get to put my big girl pants on, admit defeat and go about business as usual with this man. I am not sure how I am going to do this. Right now it seems impossible with how broken I feel, but there really is no other alternative.

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