Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Biggest Loser

I have really been in a struggle lately. Struggling not in loving myself, but in tolerating myself. I feel like I'm going backward. I worked so hard to get where I was and in a matter of eight months, I undid what it took me two YEARS to do. How does that happen? I'm not really sure. I know it started with feeling stuck. I had hit a plateau with my weight, the same plateau I always hit when I have lost weight in the past. And I got really frustrated with busting my ass at the gym and denying myself foods I really wanted to eat and not seeing any results. Couple that with stress at work, quitting my half-marathon training and being disappointed in myself, and losing my best friend and biggest supporter for no known reason. All of that lead to me giving up on myself. Allowing myself to choose sleep over the gym. Eat Taco Bell instead of a salad for dinner. Sit on the couch in my pajamas instead of going for a run. And now I am 24 pounds heavier than I was at the start of 2011. I have one less friend in my life. And I don't really like myself. And I'm not really sure where to go from here or what to do.

The other day my pastor preached a sermon about taking risks and being willing to fail. And that we need to be bold and step out and take risks to become more who God has intended us to be. But what do you do when that happens - when you risk and then fail? What then? I mean, I feel like I'm getting better at this risking thing. But what happens when it doesn't work? What am I suppose to do then? I think that's why I get stuck. I don't know what to do once I fail. So I start to beat myself up and reprimand myself for thinking I might succeed. And I get sad and retreat into what's comfortable, what I know best, eating my emotions and isolating myself. I know that's not healthy or what I should be doing when faced with failure, but what do I do instead?

And then there's this whole CB thing. I think it has solidified for me that in order for me to be married and have kids, I need to lose weight. {I know, I know. You're going to tell me how beautiful I am and if a man can't see that, then he doesn't deserve me. I know.} I've struggled with this concept my whole adult life. I want to be loved for who I am, just the way I am. But is that realistic? Is that fair to ask? Men are visual creatures. They were designed to appreciate beautiful things. And culture (sadly) defines what beauty is. And in America, thin is beautiful. And yes, there are many shapes/sizes on the thin spectrum. But thin is not a word that has EVER described me. So if a man is looking for someone (consciously or not) who is beautiful and healthy and is going tot bear children for him, he would not seek me. I may have a pretty face, but I have learned the hard way, that simply is NOT enough. So as I consider this, I feel like one of two things has to happen. I need to either figure out this weight thing and go full on and lose 100 pounds OR I need to let go of the desire to become a wife and mother. Where I stand, there are no other options.

And I don't know why this is my life's struggle. I don't know why I've been overweight my entire life. I don't know. I do know that I'm tired. I'm tired of the struggle. I'm tired of being overlooked. I'm tired of being judged. I'm tired of hating myself. I'm tired of feeling lost. I'm tired of being stuck in a holding pattern. I'm tired of rejection. I'm tired of knowing there's something more out there. I'm tired of being the girl with a pretty face. I am so very tired...so now what?

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