Thursday, December 15, 2011

Living In The Present

So I as I sit in front of my computer today, I am completely distracted. My heart is filled with sadness, sadness for a friend who lost her father this morning. My heart is just breaking for her and her mom and her sister and all those who loved her dad. I find myself fighting off the tears and just thinking a lot about life and death and heaven. And I keep wondering how my friend is doing and wondering what I should be doing as her friend and can’t help but feel totally helpless in this situation. I don’t know what it’s like to lose a parent, but I can imagine that it’s one of the worst feelings I will experience in my lifetime.

I keep thinking about dying and I imagine my own death some day and wonder what people will say about me when I go. If I were to die tomorrow, would I leave this world having left any kind of mark? Who would come to my funeral? What would be my legacy? Would the fact that I have lived for thirty-three years on this earth really even matter? I don’t know. I know I’m excited to be in heaven one day and have a perfect body and to never battle with depression or issues with food and to be reunited with friends and family who are already there and to spend eternity with Christ and worshiping him. I know heaven will be glorious. However, I’m simply not ready for that day to come. There are so many things I still want to do here on earth. I want to do the things on my bucket list (shave my head, go sky diving, travel to Ireland – just a couple examples). But more than those things, I want to meet my husband. I want to have sex. I want to know real lasting love with someone. I want to give birth to a child. I want to see my niece and nephew grow up into amazing people. I want to love my friends fiercely. I want to write a book. I want to impact the lives of girls who struggle with their self image. I want to leave a legacy bigger than myself and the desires of my heart. And as I sit here, I wonder if any of these things will happen. What does my future hold? Who will be in it?

Tomorrow is not promised. And I find myself longing for tomorrow – for the future. And I don’t know why. Because that means I’m not living in the present fully. I need to be more intentional about being fully present in each moment I have. I need to stop holding back with my love because of fear and love with reckless abandon. I need to make life happen and stop waiting for it to find me. I need to make the most of every day I have so I can say that I have lived a full and complete life and have impacted the lives of others for the better.

“And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears. And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.” ~ Mumford & Sons

1 comment:

  1. Every single person who has ever met you will say you are the most beautiful, amazing, INSPIRATIONAL person there ever was. You're like a sun. Just bright and bring light everywhere.
    I heart you :] And I love all your posts because they make me want to be a better person.