Beauty From Ashes

So I've been going to a class at the gym for two plus years called Cardio Sculpt; it's a mix of cardio and weight training. It's a fantastic class and made up of some amazing people. I've made some great friends in this class and built in accountability as well :). This class has kicked my ass three days a week - EVERY single time. It never gets easier. It's intense and somehow fun (crazy, I know!). I have seen a lot of personal growth in my strength and endurance since I started the class. My form is better, I'm lifting heavier weights, pushing through the uncomfortable stage more and more. But the one thing that has always been tough for me is that I'm always last! And when I says always, that's not an exaggeration. We go out on the indoor track and run a set number of laps, and I'm always the last person to finish running. And some days it doesn't bother me to be last, but some days it really upsets me. And I have this internal conversation ab...

Okay, so I'm really struggling with being seen. Or I guess I should say, I'm struggling with the fact that I feel like no one sees me. And what's ironic is, the heavier I get, the more invisible I feel. I'm a big girl and take up more space than the average person, so I know people see me, they have to, right?! But often times I feel like I've unknowingly put on an invisibility cloak. I mean, I'll go into a store or church or any crowded place and get bumped into, pushed, stepped on, walked right in front of, over looked. There are times where I'll even speak and no one hears me. And at times, I'll make myself known, put myself out there, risk, and receive nothing in return - silent rejection. WTF?!?! What is it about me that this happens? What am I doing or not doing to allow others to see me as invisible? I have to wonder how invisible I would feel if I were thin. I also wonder if there are other overweight women who feel invisible like I do. Is it abo...

Confidence is defined as being certain; belief in oneself and one's powers or abilities. Where does confidence come from? Why is it some people have it and some people don't? And why do some people have A LOT of it? I went out for drinks with a couple friends tonight and as I observed the room, that's what I noticed. There were women in the room who were full of confidence. They talked to others - strangers even - with boldness and were totally sure of who they were. They flirted with men with great ease. They knew who they were and were certain of who they are and what they have to offer. I was in awe as I observed this. And if I'm being honest - pretty envious. I wish I were like that. I am so much more confident than I was a couple years ago. I really have come a long way. But comparatively, I have a long friggin way to go! I want to be able to look at an attractive man and believe that I can flirt with him and he won't be disgusted by it. I want to be able to g...

So I as I sit in front of my computer today, I am completely distracted. My heart is filled with sadness, sadness for a friend who lost her father this morning. My heart is just breaking for her and her mom and her sister and all those who loved her dad. I find myself fighting off the tears and just thinking a lot about life and death and heaven. And I keep wondering how my friend is doing and wondering what I should be doing as her friend and can’t help but feel totally helpless in this situation. I don’t know what it’s like to lose a parent, but I can imagine that it’s one of the worst feelings I will experience in my lifetime. I keep thinking about dying and I imagine my own death some day and wonder what people will say about me when I go. If I were to die tomorrow, would I leave this world having left any kind of mark? Who would come to my funeral? What would be my legacy? Would the fact that I have lived for thirty-three years on this earth really even matter? I don’t know. I k...

I have really been in a struggle lately. Struggling not in loving myself, but in tolerating myself. I feel like I'm going backward. I worked so hard to get where I was and in a matter of eight months, I undid what it took me two YEARS to do. How does that happen? I'm not really sure. I know it started with feeling stuck. I had hit a plateau with my weight, the same plateau I always hit when I have lost weight in the past. And I got really frustrated with busting my ass at the gym and denying myself foods I really wanted to eat and not seeing any results. Couple that with stress at work, quitting my half-marathon training and being disappointed in myself, and losing my best friend and biggest supporter for no known reason. All of that lead to me giving up on myself. Allowing myself to choose sleep over the gym. Eat Taco Bell instead of a salad for dinner. Sit on the couch in my pajamas instead of going for a run. And now I am 24 pounds heavier than I was at the start of 2011. I ...

So, it’s been a week since my lunch date and I’ve heard nothing from CB. That leads me to believe I’ve been dealt the friend card yet again. Awesome. I’ll be honest, I’m filled with a mix of emotions. Part of me is pissed! He couldn’t even bother to let me down easy? Nope, he chose to be a coward and just not say anything. That’s pretty crappy, especially because I was super vulnerable and put myself out there with him one hundred percent. And that makes me want to punch him in the gut and tell him to get over himself and to be a man. (Don’t worry, I won’t really act on that thought.) Part of me, most of me actually, is devastated (but I’m trying to hold it together). My last post was so authentic to how I feel about CB. I really did feel so confident that he was my husband, that this was going to be the beginning of our future together. There were so many things that have happened over the last six months that lead me to believe that God has his hand in this and that I was finally fin...

Warning: This is probably the most honest and uncensored post I have written to date. Read at your own risk and withhold judgement:) I just love this song - Adele's One & Only. Click here for the lyrics: http://www.metrolyrics.com/one-and-only-lyrics-adele.html This song gives me chills and makes me tear up every time I hear it. The lyrics (and Adele's voice) are so haunting. And when I hear this song, I'm imagining I'm singing it to two people. The first person I imagine singing it to is CB. This song encompasses my feelings for him and the possibilities that could be there with him. I think about him all the time and I close my eyes and envision a future together. I see us happy and in love and doing life together. Having babies and making our own family. I see our wedding and walking down the isle toward him, reading my vows and crying tears of joy that I've finally found him. I imagine kissing him passionately and never getting enough of him. I imagine lazy ...