I am going to begin this post with a disclaimer (which probably means I shouldn't be writing it, but I'm going to anyway)....The thoughts and opinions expressed in this post are mine and mine alone. I am speaking only for me and not the enitre female population. And the paragraphs to follow are written with deep emotion (hurt, disappointment, frustration, fear, saddness, lonliness). So these are not always my opinions, just today:).
Okay, now that I've got that out of the way...... I have to say that I L-O-V-E, love men. I relate to men much more easily than I do women. I grew up the only girl in a family of tons of boys. Two of my very closest friends (people I would lay my life down for) are men. I trust them completely and adore them with my whole heart. Men are fantastic, really they are. BUT men can be big shallow, self-absorbed jerks sometimes too. What is that all about? Why is it a man can say that he wants a woman who's going to love him for who he is, who's funny, who's kind, etc, etc...but when she's right there in front of his face, she's ignored or rejected??? What is that about? Is it me? Is it bad timing? Is it insecurities? Is it shallowness? Is it fear? I'm asking because I don't know. And I'm at my wits end here. I'm 32 years old and single. All of my life my dream has been to be a wife and a mommy. I believe God has placed this desire in my heart, but sometimes I wonder if I will ever find my Boaz, my partner in crime, my best friend. I've been holding out for God's best for 32 years, and I refuse to settle. I am an amazing woman. I am beautiful, funny, creative, intelligent, compassionate, driven, selfless (I could go on, but I think you get the point). I am an amazing catch, any man would be lucky to have me. So why haven't I been caught yet? Can anyone answer this question? I guess what is really driving this frustration is two fold. One, it seems like everyone around me is getting engaged/married and having babies. This leaves me envious and a little scared that I've missed my opportunity somewhere along the way. The second part of my frustration is that I feel like I'm still single because men have bought into the worlds idea of beauty. And because I don't fit into that (I'm not 120 pounds), I'm passed up/looked over/ignored/rejected. And this is especially frustrating to me because the last several men I have been interested in (and found completely sexy and totally wonderful) are men who do not fit worldly standards. I saw their hearts and their personalities (and their humor) as more important than their physical appearance.
My heart, as well as the heart of every woman, is extremely fragile. And men act like a bull in a china shop most of the time, having no care or concern for the mess they leave behind. And we're left to try and pick up all the pieces and glue it back together. Have you ever broken a dish before and tried to glue it back togther? It's quite a process. You have to find all the pieces, put them back togther correctly, apply the glue, hold it together as the glue dries. It takes a long time and sometimes several tries to get it put back together. And you can never find every single piece. There are always little chips missing. The dish is never the same again. It's scarred and more fragile than it was before. This is like the heart. Each time it is broken, it becomes more and more fragile - to the point that you're afraid to use it.....
I know there's a man out there for me. I just pray that he's man enough to follow his heart/his gut/the prompting of the the Holy Spirit and pursue me. And to this man I say, thank you for being a man!